The Other Side

A Man's Home Should Be His Castle

2006-11-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

Goddamnit! I fucking hate it when I get shit for the way I run the house. The lil' lady is fucking crazed about keeping everything so fucking neat and tidy, and if I don't catch right on and do it with her, she gets all pissed and gives me hell for not helping her scrub the clean floors. And just who is it that cooks the meals around here? It's me! What the fuck. I just have a lot of shit that is held in right now, and it's doing me no good. She gives me shit because she buys groceries more often, yet I let her live in the house rent free, without even helping with utility bills. She gives me hell for getting tired early at night when, unlike her, I work 5 days a week, I get up earlier ever day, and don't have time to take any naps. I think I might need a break from my own house. Stop riding me, goddamnit!

Over the Hill

2006-09-06T10:57:00.000-06:00

Time to update the blog. I don't know why I have any attachment to this worthless online journal what-so-ever, but something in me reminds me that it is time to post my thoughts every once in a while. The summer is drawing to a close, which means another long winter in fast on the way. I do, in some ways, look forward to the snow and winter activities, but for the most part I find that winter lasts far too long and I would not mind having at least 30 more days of summer. Oh well, I chose to live here, I can't bitch about it.

Life has entered the drone of the coming and going of every day chores. I work, I feed the animals, I water the plants, and soon the day is gone and I am once again waking up in my bed, thinking of the coming day's activities. Friends of mine still discuss the wanderlust of youth, how they don't want to be tied down just yet, how this is the time to be travelling the world as a nomad. Well, maybe it's just the Virgo in me, but I see plenty of time ahead to explore, and I feel I do need to continue to plug away at what I am doing now in order to hopefully make my future a little more secure and simple. I would rather travel leisurely in my middle age than finish my travelling then and have to work my ass off as a 50 year old man. Of course, who's to say I'll see 50? Morbid yes, but certainly not impossible.

Yes, in case anyone hadn't guessed, I just had a birthday, and for the life of me, I can't figure out how I fall into these predictable patterns, like becoming all sentimental and reflective on my birthday. Does the realization that we now introduce ourselves as a year older actually become so prominent today? I mean, every day we get older, why does it have to be the birthdays that become the anxious event? We humans just need to be able to mark out everything on a calendar.

So what am I going to do with my life? Well, I continue to fish a lot and hopefully I can continue to live a fulfilled realtionship with the lil' lady. Things have gotten a bit better with us again lately, the ebb and flow of the tide of love I guess. Also the ebb and flow of other stresses in our lives. We are both at a relatively calm point in our lives right now, and that helps in all other aspects of life. Communication opens, energy levels rise, and we are just generally more perky. I say that calmed down in the way to be.

Anyway, I have now updated this silly thing, and maybe my addiction to online gut-spilling will be satisfied for longer. As always, I ask myself, should I try to get this blog rolling as a public-viewing forum? Maybe in the future I will advertise a bit. Until then, tight lines all, and may your fish find their way into your nets.

My Inner Fish

2006-07-13T08:05:00.000-06:00

Back to the blog. Why? Nobody reads this blog, as it has been neglected. I have not been updating it regularly, and it does not belong to any websites to advertise it. Why would I want someone reading this? I dunno. Maybe for the feedback. Maybe so my typing doesn't feel so futile. Something in me always gets a little excited when I check for comments, and the only comments are always spam. Ha! Thus is my life.

Well, I didn't really sign in with any specific topic to mind. Usually when I write in here, it's because I have become frusterated with an aspect of life and need to vent. Well, there certainly are some of those: taxes drain my bank account every time I get my feet under me; the lil' lady and I have not had much kink in our sexlife; the animals are always looking for a new way to destroy the house; i wish i had one day more freetime during the week just to get shit done. I have not been fishing in well over a week, which, for me, is not a good sign. I gotta go this weekend. I need to find someone to fish with... A fishing buddy.

You know, I think I have mentioned it before, but you can tell a lot about people by their fishing behavior. Some people finally let their guard down and relax. Other normally laid-back people find themselves alert as ever, watching the rod tip for the slightest sign of movement, always ready at any moment to grab the rod and draw in the prize. I have one friend, one of the most thoughtful and caring people in the world, that for some reason takes the weeds that he cleans off of his hook, and never fails to deposit them in the bottom of my boat. The boat is small, and it would take zero effort to get that mess back into the water, but for some reason he always drops it into the boat. Another friend, a cool, calculated character, stays very calm yet very alert. He checks the line with the keen eye of a veteran, and he always accomplishes what needs to be done to get the lines in the water with minimal assisstance. Yet somehow, no matter how many times he watches me grab a rod when the fish strikes and simply begin the spider-like process of drawing the fish in, when his rod bumps and grabs it and gives it about 3 yanks hard enough to pull the fish's head off. You don't really need to set the hook when you are trolling, yet for some reason this nasty yank always occurs, and it makes me wonder about his inner tensions.

You can always tell the real fisherman because of their smoothness, their calm even during the strike, the effortless way they find the fish and bring a few in. Real fisherman don't need to brag about the big one, because they usually know just what to do to get into them, and they make you look stupid for not catching fish yourself. It is not a competition thing, it's a level of awareness, being in tune with what is happening in the aquatic world. Some people worm a hook and drop it in water, expecting fish to be there. Others carefully scan the banks, the bottom, the weather; they note the water color and temperature, and look for any sign of life, not just fish, in the water; they look at the birds in the sky, the insects in the air; and once they have taken into account all that their 5 senses can tell them about this body of water, they then follow their guts right out to the place where the fish are.

Sometimes I find that I can feel when they are near. I may not have caught one all day, and just as I go to reel in my line something tells me to leave it out for 5 more minutes. Often times this is when the fish bite. You have to have your line in the water to catch them, and sometimes it all comes down to patience.

Maybe I should bring this patience into more aspects of my life. It could probably do me some good.

Going Crazy?

2006-04-10T07:26:00.000-06:00

Fuck. That's all I can say. I got out of town for the weekend to go fishing. I went out and had a wonderful time, and the lil' mamma stayed back home to participate in some festivities going on around our town. We both had a great time. Seemed like all was well. Then I got home...

I ask her about how her weekend was. She excitedly explains about how much fun she had with her friends on both days, and how they made a huge dinner together and just had so much fun. Then she asks me how my trip was. I tell her I had a great time as well, and that I really needed to get out of town. She then begins to tell me that while I was gone she was missing me and thinking about how much fun it would have been if I had been around. I tell her I'm sure it would have been a good time, it certainly sounds like it. She tells me I suck for leaving.

Stage 2. I ask her why I suck, and she says because I always just want to go fishing before everything else. I tell her that this was my first big trip of the year, and that I had seen all of the festivities before. I really just needed to go fishing. She says that she must be stupid for wanting to enjoy the festivities, as is certainly evident by the way a good friend of mine "put her in her place" the other day. I ask what she is talking about. She sais is was explained to her that once you have lived around here for a few years, the festivities are not as exciting and a lot of people just want to get out of town. She took this to mean that she was a naive little newcomer, and took it as an insult.

At this point we began fighting, my points being that she seems to get mad a lot when I leave and go fishing, and that I do need some time in my life to fish, as it is one of my passions. She argued back that I never want to do anything but fish, that I never make plans with her, that she thinks I won't do anything at all with her this summer because she thinks I will seize every free moment to fish. The fight escalates until we both pass out from exhaustion, and wake up mad. Fuck.

How did this happen? I spend 6 hours in the car dreaming of coming home and laughing and talking about our weekends. I pictured goofing around and kissing. I pictured a beautiful, restful evening. Instead, it could not have been any more stressful, we screamed and fought, went to bed mad, woke up mad, and I don't think either of us has a clue what to do to resolve this. I feel like I would just like for the lil' mamma to relax about the fact that from time to time I am going to want to fish when she doesn't, and it's ok for her to be alone or with just friends for the night. She has some serious seperation anxiety, and doesn't like it when I am not with her. She was even a little mad that I didn't call on Saturday night, even though I was in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. To her, I think it is something that would be worth driving around for an hour with the cell phone to call home and say goodnight. But that sucks. I'm camping.

I am not sure exactly what she needs from me. Confirmation that I will indeed do things besides fish this summer? I tried to tell her that, and she just yelled back that I shouldn't even bother. I told her that I want to spend time with her, that there are many things I love to do and we will get to do all of them. She tells me that she doesn't want to be the thing that keeps me from doing the things I want to do. I tell her that I do the things I want to do, and that every once in a while that may include fishing when she doesn't want to come. She doesn't believe me.

Fuck. That's all I have to say. I hope this one doesn't drag on for too long, I got hardly any rest, I am completely exhausted, and work hasn't even started on Monday morning yet. God I hope this whole week doesn't go like this. I can't take it. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I guess one of my anxieties is that I feel like the lil' mamma is becoming really dependent on me. When we met, she was one of the most independent people that I knew, aside from myself. As we began our relationship, there were some immediate signs that she did not like when I did things without her, but in other ways she seemed the opposite. We are both in complete agreement that getting married early in life is a poor idea, because when you are young you have to live and not be committed to one path for the rest of your life. How does this work when you can't leave the other person's side?

Fuck. I'm outta here.

Spring into Action

2006-03-30T08:02:00.000-07:00

I am ready for spring. It is well on the way, but the fresh four inches of snow last night was a little discouraging. I am ready to fish and be out on my boat for a few days. Soon enough I guess...

So life has been relatively calm. No tragedy to speak of today, thank gawd. I needed a respite.

I saw the movie V for Vendetta the other day. I liked it a lot. The mask was a bit creepy, but it is a very entertaining movie, and very relavant. It's creepy to watch as an American. Creepy because it's so true. Just watch our news any day of the week. Our news is always the bad news, or else good news that is completely irrelevent (Cat falls from tree, runs away, soon reunited with owner). Why don't we ever hear news about the advances in research to combat AIDS? What about steps forward in protecting the environment? How about people giving their lives to good causes? None of this is ever shown, because if we start giving these things attention, for one things, we'll keep giving them attention and might actually start helping those causes ourselves (who knows how much money and public attention would be lost if we all started picking which issues were important to us?). The other problem with an honest media would be that many of the corrupt systems we have in our government would be exposed. Look at the drug war. How is it that the American public still believes that marajuana is a dangerours narcotic? And please tell me who it is that believes fighting an expensive war on drugs, jailing those who possess small amounts of these substances and treating them like violent criminals is doing anyone any good. Just imagine a world in which a cop comes across a struggling junky on the street, and decides to help him out rather than knock him on the head and jail him for a year. I'll tell you one place where it works: Amsterdam. You can tell by spending only a week there what a difference law is. When you eliminate the petty bullshit from your law and make only serious crimes illegal, suddenly police become protectors, people who can be trusted and looked at as heros. Here in America, the cops are simply power hungry brats who don't want to put all the effort into busting smart criminals, so they stick with being a public annoyance. "Hey, there's an 18 year old with a beer, let's arrest him and throw the book at him!" Way to use our tax dollars and policemens' time. Fuck that.

Anyhow, my rant has come to an end. I hope at some point we, as a country, can get on top of the ball. We are all being stifled, and that sucks when you are the country with some of the highest potential for good in the world.

Check Yourself

2006-03-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

I just have to make sure I have myself in check here...

With all of the insanity and seemingly negative periods with the lil' lady, I need to be sure that I am not just dragging on a relationship that is hurting us both all because I'm afraid to be alone. What good does that do anyone?

Things I love- her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her energy, her love (of all things), when she actually puts away her baggage and just acts sexy, when she wants to try new things...

Things I hate- when she gets really pissed over very small things, when she gets pissed immediately when trying something new just because she's not great at it immediately, when she gets frusterated and mad before every road trip because if we're 2 minutes late it's a sign that the whole trip will be horrible, when she puts herself down, when she thinks my friends and family hate her (always due to her own insecurities about herself), when she gets pissed at me for not initiating sex more often, even though I swear one out of four times I end up getting hurt.

That last one needs some thought. I tell her that anytime she wants to make love, I am down, especially if it includes a little kinkiness. 99% of the time that's true. I am a guy, after all. However, she wants me to initiate sex more, and 25% of the time I end up getting anything from "not right now" to a full blown rejection. Does it not make sense for her to simply come to me when she's in the mood, and we can avoid this ugly scene. Nobody wants to feel rejected, especially not by their own lover, and I carry with me my own insecurities about my sexuality that make that rejection that much harder on me. This frusterates me. She says I never initiate sex, and she says we hardly ever make love anymore, yet she does not initiate it either, and she tell me no sometimes when I try. Fuck. Put another notch on the ol' knockin' me around stick.

Well, I got nowhere, but I got to vent I guess. She was in a bad mood this morning, but I guess about 60% of the time she gets pissed in the morning. Put that one on the bad list too. I hope other people are getting along a bit smoother with their days. Peace all.

2006-03-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

It feels good to get an early start on the morning. It means I can take a break later without any guilt at all. What a wonderful thing.

I can't wait to be done with April. I just had to put $1,000 into my truck, I owe a butt load of taxes, and I am feeling super strapped for money right now. Add that to my meloncholy from a long winter and a crippled sex life, and I am officially about ready to scream. Last night I once again had a poor sexual encounter with the lil' lady.

I knew she had been in a bad mood for various reasons, and I thought to cheer her up I could fill the bedroom with lighted insence and candles, set the mood, ya know, and then I layed out some of her favorite restraints and left everything looking very sexy and nice. I then closed the bedroom door and waited for her to stumble onto the scene so I could surprise her and hopefully lay to rest a dreary day. Well here's the play by play:

She walks in the room, does not even pause when she opens the door, goes through, puts some dirty clothes away, and then walks back out without saying a word. I then go over and try to give a hug, which is resisted, and so I tell her I'm sorry if the timing was poor, I just thought if she was in a bad mood maybe I could surprise her and make her feel better in my own little way. Her reply: I am in a bad mood, and I can't just snap out of it.

I blew out the candles, put out the insence, put things away, and ended the night watching TV.

Fuck.

Maybe my timing really was poor. I knew that what she was mad about was not a major thing, but I also knew that lately she has had some trouble letting things go. I have tried to tell her that sometimes you just have to laugh at the little bad things that happen to you in life, because if you let them get you down, it's good for nobody. I don't know if she has listened to me at all or not. All I know is that last night made me feel like a genuine ass, and now I am once again confronted with all doubts about what the hell is going on here.

Anyhow, fuck it all, right? Who am I to be bitching. Women wonder why when us guys go fishing we fish from dusk until dawn, as often as we can, and don't necessarily miss the normal home life. Fuck that, just me and the fish, that's when things are truly peaceful. I will soon enough escape to my boat. Maybe avoiding this stuff will do no good, but I need a little peace of fuckiing mind, before I freak out. Am I being short sided?

BTW- not that anybody reads this rant, but if you choose to leave a comment, please know that anything being perceived as SPAM will be immediately erased. Peace.

Never Soon Enough

2006-03-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

A Note from the Other Side of Winter:

Finally, it's beginning to feel like spring. It still snows, but only inches and not feet at a time. It gets above freezing during the days, and does not always drop below zero at night. I am ready for it. Winter was long and cold. A lot happened. I am ready for this change of seasons, as ready as I could ever be. I look forward to long warm days in my fishing boat and late, sunlit evenings with instruments and friends. No more being couped up inside. It's time for us snowy-hermits to escape to the outer world, to again feel sun on our bellies and jump into streams...

Of course, the ground is still covered with snow, and mud season will be a mess. Soon enough, however, summer will be upon us. I will be happy, and will celebrate with some drinking and fishing, against the will of the state! Hah!

The Dude Abides

2006-03-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

Alcohol education classes are no fun. Why do I have to go to them? It's because I got busted for drinking while fishing. I had to serve a night in jail, had 3 court dates and one hearing with the DMV, and after getting my paperwork lost and confused on two different occasions, and almost sending me to jail for it both times, I am now sentenced to alchol education and therapy until September. This is all because I did not turn my lights on immediately when the sun set, and a ranger got mad and called the cops. Man, talk about getting fucked. There was no accident, no swirving, no public nuisance. Just me and my friends sitting on the dock after a long day of fishing, and a ranger who is bored. Now I am paying dearly. I have lost so much faith in our legal system it almost hurts. I can understand why drinking in a boat could be dangerous, but to sentence me to more punishment than most DUI drivers get, for driving a very small fishing boat about 1 mph, something is not right. Somebody is not trying to provide justice. Somebody is turning a blind eye to what's right and wrong, instead only to follow the cryptic language of a law to the letter, without any consideration to what happened. Ugh, I guess I can believe it. Look at our laws against marajuana. Silly really.

Ok, I did it. I wrote again. Still nobody reads. That's ok, I would skip over my blog too. But if anybody does read this some day, take comfort in the fact that you may learn something, anything, along the way.

Back in the Saddle Again

2006-03-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

A new stab at it. That's what I thought I'd try. I had all but given up on blogging. I just couldn't sit back and write about all the shit anymore. I didn't want to just look at it and assess it. I needed to try and change some things. Oh god, life has been a whirlwind.

I have not moved again, I'm still in the mountains, I am still working the same job, and things are still as unstable and crazy as always. The troublesome "new" dog is gone. We found her a new owner several months ago, and she is very happy with this couple apparently. Thank god, I was over her. Winter has been particularly cold, and I am definately ready for some thawing and fishing soon. I have been reorganizing my tackle box in anticipation. Skiing is fun, and keeping me in shape. The usual shit...

Sex life is limping along a bit, but not unfixable. Why do I feel so distracted sometimes? You know what part of the problem is? I have these things that I love to involve in the bedroom, and while I have accepted them within myself, I can't seem to make myself try these things on the lil' lady for fear of embarressment. Unfortunatley, we have had a couple of situations in which she said something or acted in a way that really poured salt in my insecurity-about-my-sexuality wound, and it tripped the "I will never do this again" flag. It has happened several times, and while each time I have managed to bounce back and get back to where we were when we left off, I have trouble lifting our alternative lovelife to any further level due to a complete lack of energy. I want it and would love it, but I feel like the only reason the ll' lady lets me tie her up is because she knows I like it. I know she thinks parts of it are fun, but I don't know that she can feel the same intensity that I do. Can a person who was not born kinky ever find themself into bondage? Hell if I know, that's a big question...

Ok, I'm out of typing energy. Maybe I'll post a few stories soon. I'll have to see if I can get back on the blogwagon. Peace.

Holi-daze

2005-12-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

Where does it all end? I am back, writing because although I have been away from the blog for a while, I need some therapy again. The new dog ran off a total of about 10 times, we got her back each time. It got really old, and as bad as I felt, I found her a new home today. It pulls at my guilt strings tremendously, as I had gotten to know her rather well and found myself attached. All the same, she was going to get hurt and I sure as shit don't need the extra stress.

Work is going well. Finally I am feeling competant at my new job. It took a lot of learning, but I am coming right along.

Now for the low, I had a complete blowout argument with my girlfriend last night. Oh god, it was viscious. I don't even want to think about it. It all started when I was trying to send some pictures of our yard to her dad, as we wanted to show him all the snow. We took a bunch of pictures, and I downloaded them onto my computer. I was goin around trying to find where I had placed them when I came across a couple of old bondage photos I had downloaded at some point. Unfortunately, the lil' lady saw them and flipped shit. She scolded me, called me some horrible things, and treated me like she had just caught me in bed with another man. Her side of it is that if I have the need to "bring other women into the house" (referencing the pictures), then we have a serious problem. Basically, she saw things along the lines of looking at pornography being on par with cheating, as she feels there is no way you could be totally in love with somebody and still be able to find somebody else attractive enough to get off on it. I tried to explain that looking at internet pictures and bringing another female home are two very different things, and that masterbation is not something that only the lowest of perverts ever does. That was the jist of things, and it became a real screaming match in which I got called a lot of nasty things, all the while trying to explain why it should not be such a big deal that I have looked at these pictures on occasion.

What do you think? Is it really on par with cheating to look at a picture and masterbate to it when you are in a relationship? Is masterbation wrong in a relationship, or is it masterbation to pictures of other women that is so horrid? Or, is it possible that masterbating on occasion to satisfy a sexual need in harmless and should be viewed as normal. I tried to argue that point, but it fell on deaf ears. Ok, I can't even talk about this any more.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

2005-10-30T17:50:00.000-07:00

I swear, what I am about to say is true. I feel like I am making this shit up at this point, but no, life seems to be a circus.

It all began Friday night. I woke up very early and noticed our new dog had pushed her way through the opening I left in the door for the cats, and she was gone. I didn't know what to do, but it was still dark out, and she is a black dog. I realized this after driving around for about 30 minutes searching, and returned home to try to get some sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later, and there was the missing mutt, soaking wet and laying on the floor. Thank god, one less thing to worry about. I fell back to sleep.

When I woke up an hour later, as you had probably already guessed, the dog was gone again. I had not shut the door, thinking she would stay in now that she had her adventure.

Well, another search of the neighborhood turned up the dog, and the day went on as planned.

After a Halloween party on Saturday night, we came home and crashed, and I made sure to make the opening for the cats smaller so the dog could not get out. Oh yes, the dog pushed the door open wider and got out, and it was in the middle of a blizzard. Why would a dog "escape" the house in the middle of a blizzard? I have no clue. She had, though, and my stomach sunk.

I searched for about 20 minutes, and gave up. It was hard to see with all the snow, and I figured maybe she would come home again when she got cold. She did not. I waited and waited, more pissed off than worried, and finally decided to go back out and look. I got about a block from the house when I saw a guy with 2 dogs, one of which looked very much like mine. I had my neck craned around and was staring at the dog when BAM!!!! the car was stopped. The windshield was broken. My head hurt. There was a concrete divider against the front of my car. Fuck!

At this point, I was in a state of wonder at the amount of trouble this dog was causing me. Is it evil to give a dog you just adopted up for another adoption? The car was ok, I had only been going about 5 mph, but my head and neck are very sore. We found the dog again, she is here beside me, and will be locked in at this point. I am still bewildered at the whole situation. Bravo to me.

On the bright side, work is going well and life is pretty chill here (both the weather and the vibe). That's my story for the night. When I write next time, I really hope I have nothing to write about. I don't need any more stories to tell right now. I think it is too cold to fish now, though I may still give it a go if the lakes aren't frozen. Good night.

The wine glass is empty

2005-10-20T19:56:00.000-06:00

Wow. I guess I am settling in. I don't really know for sure. Wine and weed are combining to make a good feeling of comfortably numb. Enough of the drunken antics...

Life has been less than hell lately, though I am still hoping that the lil' lady will settle in a bit more. Times are still tough, but I realize that things could be worse. What am I saying? Compared to a lot of people my life is wonderful. Compared to others it sucks. I am right there in the spectrum. There are a lot of good things right now, and other things that still need work.

I have said enough. I better quit before the wine gets me in trouble. G'night to my 1 reader!

Aftermath

2005-10-11T18:16:00.000-06:00

Life seems to be settling in a little, which scares me. Something is bound to happen soon. I wonder what it could be next. I am not letting my guard down.

I am now taking the time each day to really appreciate being able to just sit and not worry. Stress is hard on me, and I feel about a year older than when I began the move. Things have potential to be really good here. I am excited. Good things can happen. I just have to keep the lil' lady happy right now until she can get herself settled in a little better, and I think we will be off to a decent start.

Winter is rolling in fast, and it has been below 40 degrees for about 3 days straight with not even a glimpse of direct sunlight. I need a sunny day. I want a little more warmth.

At any rate, I think it would do me some good to begin updating this thing again. It is therapeautic to write about the hard times, and feels good to retell the best. I will be around more. Maybe I will make another attempt at getting this blog linked up, maybe I can actually get some readers. Is that what I want? We'll see. Until next time, have a good fall season!

Hell Day

2005-10-07T18:15:00.000-06:00

Blogging has found itself a little further down on my priority list. I guess it doesn’t matter, nobody really reads this thing anyway. I can’t help but wonder about the amusing tales I may have written should I have kept up with this thing better. Oh well, I have lost many fine ideas for writing due to not putting them down on paper immediately.

So yesterday I had the day from Hell. Truly, I shit you now. I thought things had reached their maximum point of stress, and little did I even realize just how bad things can get. As I may have mentioned before, one of our cats has been missing for about a month now, and it really put a strain on our lives here. I was sad and dedicated much of my time to trying to locate our little guy, but the lil’ lady was torn apart. She had raised this cat from a kitten and the fact he was missing was absolutely more than she could handle. At first she blamed the move, and in doing so she totally tore apart our lives here, saying that we moved away from everything good, and that now we were stuck living somewhere that she could never live, and that all the choices we just made were completely in error. Well, this came out of left field, as I thought our new life was pretty damn nice. She shredded it all, made it sound like she was ready to get the hell out of here, with or without me.

Well, time healed the wound a bit, and I thought we were getting our feet back under us. She has met some people, and actually has some things she gets to do during the week that really excite her. She still breaks down and cries about the cat on occasion, but things had improved.

Cue yesterday. Actually, let’s start the night before. The stars were shining, we smoked a bowl and went out to watch the stars. The dogs finished their pee runs, and we headed upstairs, leaving all three of our other cats outside. Well, we forgot to keep the doors propped open, and the cats were locked out. I woke with a start the next morning at about 6:00 AM remembering this. I sprung out of my bed and ran downstairs to let the cats in. It was about 28 degrees F outside, and I figured they would be waiting right there to run right in. I was wrong. I waited and waited, and after about 10 minutes one of the cats came in. I decided to leave the door open and let the others find their way, as I crawled back into bed to try and get warm again. Two hours of laying there waiting for the sound of cats coming in was too much to bare. What a horrible way to start the day. I didn’t dare think about what would happen if these cats mysteriously disappeared like our other one. Oh god.

8:00 rolls around, time to get up and get to work. The lil’ lady was up and trying to get out the door, and never even realized the events of the night before. It’s better that way. She would have flipped out. I try to act like nothing is amiss, and she leaves for work not ever knowing anything is up. So begins the first half of Hellday.

As soon as I am alone I begin a search of the neighborhood. I begin on foot, but after searching the most probable close areas, I realize I need to cover more ground (as if a cat would come when called anyway, I am convinced looking for cats is a hopeless endeavor). I get my bike out and begin a road assault, and just in case, I leave the door cracked so the cats could get back in. As I ride and call, I think about how I took it for granted that last night was my last night living my normal life, how when the lil’ lady finds out about this, our lives will crumble and soon I will be in the midst of a new Great Depression in our relationship. I can’t take another one. I need some fucking normalcy. This is all killing me. I know she can’t take two more animals missing. I can’t take long nights of crying, searching, being awake all night. I can’t even imagine making up a whole new set of flyers. How can this be happening?

I search everywhere within a half mile. Where would they be hiding? It snowed last night, they are bound to be somewhere where there is cover. I decide to head home and see if they scooted back my way. As I near the driveway, I am horror stricken: I see one of the dogs standing in the driveway, looking for me. Oh god. I run inside and call. No dogs in the house. They all got out when I stupidly left the door cracked, and now I am missing two dogs as well as the cats.

Back on the bike. I must find the dogs. I am screaming their names, I am numb, I just wish that I could go back, open that fucking door the night before. Because of my forgetfulness, I have just sacrificed everything. What am I going to do?

One of the dogs comes running back around the house. I stick her inside, and I head out to find the final remaining dog. About a half a mile down the road, I find her running the in opposite direction. She turns and begins walking toward me when I call, and finally begins to follow me back to the house. It seems to take an hour, but I finally get her back and in the house. I crash on the couch and wonder what to do next. I can’t possibly find cats while riding around on a bike calling for them. They don’t respond like dogs.

I decide to get to work and see if I can pass the day, telling myself they will be home in the evening. I cannot keep my mind on work and all I can think about is how the lil lady is going to handle the news. How should I break it to her? I am scared that she will break down right there in front of me. Will she be brave and just begin the searching process all over again? I can’t bare the thought, can she? Maybe I should lie, and say I saw them and they went back out. That would leave the chance open that they would come home tonight and I would not have to deal with the trauma. Shit.

The day passes slowly, and every hour I go outside and call for the cats, hoping they will run out of a culvert or around the corner. Where the hell could they be? Would two cats really just run off? My brain says no, but my gut feeling is rotten. Please let them get home before the lil’ lady comes home.

This was one of the most dreadful days I have experienced, and about 2 hours after my lil mamma got home, the cats came home too. This experience has changed me. It aged me, for one thing, but it really made me appreciate once again how fragile our comfortable lives can be. Be careful, and don’t take too much for granted. You can find it has all changed in a heartbeat.

They Call 'Em Trash Birds

2005-09-23T13:35:00.000-06:00

Since I moved into my new place, I have put out my bird feeders and have been fighting a constant battle to keep them full of seed. I have a pack of blackbirds that can empty three full feeders in the course of about 5 or 6 hours. I fill them once a day, and the birds must make due with that. I can see the birds from my office window, and I watch them all jump around and jostle for feeding position. It is very entertaining, and I love being able to watch wildlife from my window. I really enjoy having all the birds here.

I had family in town that came to see my new digs and celebrate various other occasions. When they saw my feeders, they thought that I had a great set up. However, when they saw all of my birds, they dismissed them as "trash birds" and said I should stop feeding them until they go away so some real birds might show up.

I love my trash birds. They have gorgeous patches of red and yellow on their wings, and they have a very nice call. I think I will keep them around.

Well, I am for the first time feeling a little settled into my new place. I have company due in this weekend, and I can't wait to see them. The lil' lady is settling into some fun new adventures as well. All in all, things are calming down and looking up I think. Could this be possible? Is life about the become bareable again? I can't say yet, but such a life would be welcome with open arms at this point. Good day!

A New Chapter

2005-09-14T18:49:00.000-06:00

So, the move is about 75% complete, but not without a great share of madness, as is typical of my life. We got everything and everyone moved up here, and were just starting to settle in, when one of our cats disappeared. Moving can be one of the most stressful things we encounter in life, and couple that with the loss of a beloved pet, and things are close to unbarable. Our cat has been gone for about 2 weeks now, and the little lady is terribly torn up. She has a lot of animals, and loves each of them dearly. It is tough.

We have been so busy that we did not even get out for a night on the town until just recently. We are just getting to know a few people, and the town is starting to feel semi-familiar. Things are all settling down slowly, but it certainly is a ride. We have both just been stressed to the max and are anxiously awaiting the day we can just sit back and relax, with few worries on our minds. Does that day ever come again?

Things are going to look up. It is important to stay positive when life is tumultuous. It was surreal watching what unfolded in the south, to see all of the true hardships in life. As stressed as I was, it was amazing how little my problems looked compared to those of so many others. I am lucky.

That's it for tonight. I felt bad for not posting in a while, so here is the new update. I will be around more. So to you, the one person who reads this every now and again, I dedicate this entry and the next new chapter of my blog. Peace all.

I'm BAAAAaaaaaack!

2005-09-06T11:14:00.000-06:00

This one is gonna be short, but I am back online. I have moved into a new house and a new office, I am on a new computer and working a new job. Things are different, but crazy as always. I will be updating my blog with my stories of the past two weeks, but for now I will just say it has been nothing short of an adventure, and I still feel like I am hanging on my my finger nails, but life is looking up, and soon things will settle in and life will be good. For now, have fun all!

This Ain't No City Driving

2005-08-16T10:23:00.000-06:00

I am jobless for a week! Hoorah! It's almost like vacation, except that I have tons of shit to do! All the same, I got to catch up on my sleep and finally get some more fishing in. That's exactly what I needed. So, in honor of all of my time on the road in the past few weeks, I am going to give you all a list of driving tips to help you get along with your fellow road-dwellers:

1. Left lane is for passing! Especially when driving up high mountain passes! If there are no lanes (aka-dirt road) pull of if you have cars that are obviously faster drivers and need to get by. It will be safer for both of you.

2. A green turning arrow means you can turn in front of the traffic facing you. This is to allow you to cross the lane of oncoming traffic before they go. DO NOT sit like an ass in the turning lane, only to finally realize the arrow is green and pull out suddenly as the only guy to make the light. You just screwed everybody else.

3. If you have more than 5 cars stuck behind you at any time, pull the fuck over and let them by. What is so great about you that you can sit there like the proud leader of a race and slow so many others down? Fuck you, pull over!

4. In Colorado there is a chance that deer and elk will be in the road. Drivers "in the know" will signal you if you are coming up on a group of animals in the road. If a car coming the other way flashes their headlights on and off, do not blind them with your brights and flip them the finger like some stupid tourist. Instead, keep your eyes on the road and look for the deer. If they are concerned with your brights blinding them, they will blind you back, not flash the lights off and on.

5. Finally, if you are blown away by the sights to the sides of the road, do not drive along, gaping like some fucking retard with a crayon stuck in his throat. Pull off the road and look. You driving so fucking slow with your attention diverted is dangerous, especially on mountain roads. You are not going to lose any time if you pull off the snap your fucking picture, so do so, or expect to get cut off by an angry local.

Ok, this turned into a rant. I better go. Tight lines, all!

Rants from my Corner of the Room

2005-08-11T14:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am in the mood to rant, so here it comes, watch out folks!

First of all, who are these guys (I assume it is men) who pee all over the floor in public toilets? Do they do this at home too? I can understand a drop or two on the rim, but come on! I swear it looks like some of these people must not bother to turn the light on in there. Just take a moment and aim that gun. Jeez...

Next, I may be alone on this one, but I feel it is time to make a call out to our government, as well as our fellow citizens, to stop treating each other like fucking special ed 1st graders. I swear. Take a moment and look around you. I bet there is one of those DANGER stickers on something showing a stick figure getting himself seriously harmed or killed. DONT PUT ARM IN SPINNING BLADES! MAY CAUSE INJURY OR DEATH! Why are we telling these people this? If they stick a fucking fork in a light socket, or if they jump into the front of a snowblower, then why are we trying to save them? Wouldn't it save us all taxes and headaches if we let the stupid people kill themselves off? I mean, shit, even my refridgerator at work has a picture of a guy falling over with the fridge tipping over on top of him. WARNING: DO NOT CRUSH YOURSELF UNDER THIS FRIDGE! MAY CAUSE ABNORMALITIES OF THE SKELETAL STRUCTURE! I mean, who the hell are these people? I vote we all take the time to take responsibility for our actions, and learn that if we jump right into the whirling blades of a combine tractor we won't last long. I think this would also help the rest of the world to repect Americans more.

Speaking of that, can you imagine what Americans would look like to the world if we weren't the #1 super power? I mean, as it is when you travel through Europe you are better off saying you are Canadian if you actually hope to be taken seriously. We are a nation of rich dumbies, protected by superior fire power. Without our guns, I have the feeling we would be on the rung right below Iceland in terms of the respect we command. (BTW- I hear there are a lot of incredibly smart and sexy women in Iceland. Why is it I always pictured it more like Minnesota?)

Finally, why is it that cops seem to always back up other cops' decisions, even when they don't know them. I know a few cops, and when you tell them a story about a guy you know who got royally fucked by the long arm of Johnny Law, they almost always come back in defense of the police, saying they were justified for this reason and that. Fuck them, can't they just stop being robots for one fucking second and have some compassion for those of us who are still free in our minds?

Ok, I feel better. Tomorrow is my last official day of work, but may or may not be my official last day. After tomorrow, my committment with the company is up, but I agreed I may come in and help if I have the energy and they have the need. We'll see. Hello out there, is anyone listening? That's alright, I probably would have hit the back button by now too.

Are Bedposts Important?

2005-08-10T10:42:00.000-06:00

The work week. What a thing. The week becomes like a face of the clock. Right now, it is about midway through the work week, which can be seen as about 12:00 noon. Don't I get a day long lunch break then? NO! I must sit here at this computer and do... things. No more, please no more!

Ok, enough work place insanity. So things are moving along at some rate. Not fast, but not super slow, just passing by. The lil lady made my day way better yesterday. After a rough morning, she took me to the living room, stripped me down, and proceeded with one of the most intense massages I have ever received, including some oral sex. I think I learned something about myself with this. She gave me an orgasm (one of my most intense, a story within itself), and then immediately put a condom and me and we began "the dance". I come to find out (no pun intended) that I could go forever in this crazy, post-orgasm state. I can stay hard for a long time at this point, as I usually take quite a lot more stimulation to reach a second orgasm, and in the mean time, we can go at it like animals without any fear of me blowing my load early. Wow, what a thing! So needless to say, I was way satisfied!

So I have noticed as of this past year, whenever I look at somebodies bed I judge it based not on softness or size, not on number of pillows or thickness of blankets. I judge a bed based on one thing: does it have bedposts? Why? Well, for anybody who may not be kink-minded, they are a lot easier to tie a lover to than just running ropes under the mattress. In the nice, roomy master bedroom of my new house, I immediately noticed a minor miracle: not only do I have bedposts, but I have 6 ft tall, super bed posts! I can tie the lil lady standing, laying, and everything in between. Oh, how I want to move to my new house... I need to finish my business here and get the hell out! I might have to treat myself (er, I mean, the lil lady) to some of Monk's hemp ropes. I hear they are hard to beat! Sounds just right as an addition to the super bed posts! Now, the next question: Do you think the guests would notice oddly-placed rings at the top of the posts? Nah....

So the house is kink-friendly, I can begin moving soon, and my job here is almost over! If only it weren't for the law, life would be just fucking grand (another story for later I suppose). Have a good day peeps!

Monday (say it ain't so!)

2005-08-08T14:59:00.000-06:00

Another Monday, except this is not just like any other. I am living in that surreal space that is the last week at your job. Job life feels quite strange. I am no longer striving to please or making sure to keep things organized so as to not make a problem in furture operations. Instead, I am here to field day to day calls, I no longer stress about being right on time being productive. I am just putting in the last week of seat time before I head out and begin the moving process. Away I go, retreat to a better place. I will leave this corporation in the dust. I cannot do it. Corp life is not for me.

Why come to work at all? Well, for one, I don't want to drop all of my work load in someone else's lap. I'll ease out of it this week, and others can gradually pick up the slack. I have heard no word of a replacement, so maybe they are simply thinking they can get by without me for a while. I don't really care either way. I am here to get one more measly paycheck, and to make sure I properly fulfill that formal two weeks. Good boy. You learned to protect the interest of the system while in college. Damnit!

Yes, I am living in a somewhat altered state of consciousness. On the one hand, I still have responsibilities and a life here. On the other, my head and heart are already on the road to my new home, a place I hope to settle for a while. I still have plenty of moving anxiety, but I feel like I am bailing out of the sinking ship that was my life in the heavily populated corporate world. It's back to nature for me!

Life rolls on. I am tired but think I can still muster the energy for this transition. It will all be worth it in the end.

Here is a riddle for the day:
You are trying to find the high road in life, and in your path you come to a split. At the fork stand two people. One of them will always tell you the truth, and the other will tell you only lies. You are aware of this fact, but you do not know which person is the liar and which is honest. You can ask only one question, directed at only one of them. What can you ask to be sure you stick to the high road?

This one took me a long time, but I came up with a sufficient answer. Can you figure it out? Good luck with your Mondays, all.

My Dog Says Your Are Evil

2005-08-05T08:38:00.000-06:00

Ok, I told myself to stop slacking on the postage, so here I am again. I have been reading a lot of other blogs as of late, and really taking in the whole spectrum. I'll tell you, there are some stories out there that really make my mind do backflips There are some strong people running around in this here world folks, people that inspire me with their endurance through things that I can barely imagine. I have been reading one blog in particular, I think I may link to her permanently, but for now, I will put her link right here. Her name is HeroineGirl, and she has a story of ups and downs that is a hard one to beat. Do yourself a favor and browse her archives.

Wow, I just got a fly-by hello in the office. Some people walk by while maintaining their full walking speed, and just as they pass my door they yell in a "Hi [me]!" I don't mind one bit, it's just that it gives me about .2 seconds to see them, remember their name, and say hello _____! I am not always the quickest with names, so sometimes I am left in an awkward state of hanging on my hello, searching my brain for the right name, unable to find it, jaw left open...

Anyhow, as I was saying... Life is good right now. Finally. Fucking finally. Jesus. I know that there are a lot of people who would like to have a problem like mine, who have things going much worse right now, and I never forget this. All the same, I needed for my life to get back on some sort of track. I was wandering, and now I feel like I found some direction, at least for the near future. We'll see what opportunities arrive as life keeps passing. For now, I am going to be working a better job for better pay, have a better office and a better home, and I will be living in a new, very cool place. I am feeling really good about this right now. A bit apprehensive, as my life took major turns that were both unexpected and very fast.

So I have not been fishing for a while. I have not been doing anything lately, part of the problem with my current location. It is important to stick with your hobbies. Get off these crazy boxes and get yourselves outside people! We all need fresh air!

On a final note, have you ever noticed how animals truly can sense evil in people? It is a very eery thing. I was reminded of this last night when a friend of mine was telling the lil lady and I about her cat. Our friend had been at the end of her rope, because the cat had been acting up and just been a bitch. Our friend then moved away from a rather evil roomate, and the cat is now sweet and happy again. You can't hide your intentions from animals, people. They know you better than you think. At least some life forms around here are truly tapped in to their 6th sense.

Have a good day people! (or should I say, person? Surely there is one person out there by now that at least looks at this with semi-regular consistency {I know I have been bad about posting})

Towel-Slapped in the Locker Room of Life

2005-08-02T14:43:00.000-06:00

Wow, it's been a while since the last update. Life has been a giant crazy spin and I had no idea what was happening. Well, my life has taken a turn for the better, though it has been stressful and I am now very busy with moving. I have found a place to live in another town, a town I will like much more than my current one I think. I have found a new job that is offering me more money and a chance to work from my home instead of from a cubicle. That will be nice. I am very happy. Now I am working my last couple of weeks at my current job to help them with finding a replacement. It's wild, I never thought I would be quitting this job so soon, but life has got me tumbling.

Outside of work, life is ok. The lil lady has been cheery lately, aside from the freak outs from all of our stress. We are both cheerful to be moving on, and cannot seem to keep our minds off of our new life ahead.

I will continue to update, but for now, I am tired and my poor brain is recovering.

Word For the Day: STRESS

2005-07-28T16:08:00.000-06:00

I can't take this shit. I am now in the middle of trying to figure out how the hell I would move to a new house and new job with a girlfriend who has to do the same and lots of pets. I have no idea if this is going to work, yet work is of course chomping at the bit to know if I am staying with them. Now I get a call from the enraged girlfriend that our phone went over the minutes this month and it's my fault because I was in charge of switching the phones over. When it rains, it pours folks. I need to just go running, like Forrest Gump, and run from coast to fucking coast until I feel like my head is clear again. This is madness. How can anybody live like this? My insides are twisting with stress, my muscles are cramping, I can't get good sleep, and all the while I am trying to put on a happy face while my job kicks my ass and I come home to a girlfriend who is so stressed out she ends up having a fit almost every night. What the hell is going on? I thought life was about to calm down, I thought I was going to get to settle down a little. Fuck it all. I can't see straight anymore. Something will be figured out soon, I will keep you all posted soon. In some ways, I wish I was looking in from the outside on this one. Peace.

Take the Reins, My Son!

2005-07-25T15:59:00.000-06:00

I did it! I passed on a letter to my boss saying I am considering another job. So far, I have not heard a reply, but whatever, I did it! It feels good to step in and take control over major aspects of your life. Damn, this is really something unexpected, but I am glad I did not just let the ooportunity go. I need to fully look into this one, it may just be they way to a happier life. Now I just need to relax a little and try to keep a clear head. Wow, I feel like I have some momentum rolling here.

The Times They Are A' Changin'

2005-07-25T09:32:00.000-06:00

Life has taken another turn, and once again I am sent falling into a vast pit of confusion about what direction to take with my life. Just as I have begun to settle in to my new management position, a new job opportunity has reared it's trouble-laiden head. Basically, I am now looking at the chance to work from a home office, and make a bit more money than I am now. The catch is that not only would I have to relocate, but it would have to be in the next month or so. This came out of left field, and now I don't know what to do. This all seems to be happening aweful fast. Aren't college grads supposed to starve for a while after graduating? What's up with having to make career choices?

So now, I have to ask myself, am I ready to just pack up unexpectedly and move my whole life to a new location? It's a wonderful place actually, yet another perk. It just seems rushed. I hate to miss an opportunity, and if I don't jump on this one it is going away for good. I have about 3 days to decide, really. Wow, as if my life didn't have enough going on. However, maybe this is a chance for a change that was desperately needed. Making these kinds of decisions can take its toll. I need sleep and a day of quiet time right now. However, I don't think I am going to get either.

So life continues to move along, crushing all who stray into it's path. This is what it's all about though. Live life like you only get to do it once. If you see an incredible opportunity, don't let it slip by just to regret it later. Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe my turn in this place is coming to an end. Time to turn the page to another chapter? Well, for anybody out there reading this, that is precisely what it will be. I will keep you posted.

Summertime Blues

2005-07-21T15:36:00.000-06:00

Man, it is summer and I am feeling way stressed. In some ways, I understand what is going on and know it will get better. In others, I don't know why I feel so distraught at times.

Part of my stress is residual stress from the transition into my new job. I am still wondering if I am doing a good enough job, if they want to keep me on, if there is something that I am overlooking. I also wonder if this job is suited for me, if I wouldn't be happier doing something else right now. It's hard, because I know a lot of people my age that are working their ass off in the hot sun every day, doing miserable tasks and just plugging through life. I have worked manual labor my whole life, and I am happy that I do not have to tolerate the muscle pain and sunburn right now.

I guess I just have a fantastic view of how work should be. Karl Marx spoke of how the laborer in the capitalist system becomes alienated from his or her work. People used to make their goods by hand, taking their time and taking pride from their work. You used to feel closely associated with what you did. Your job was what you were. You could be a blacksmith, a cobbler, or a banker. Now jobs are so specialized that we have become seperated from our labor. Oftentimes, people creating things (like people on an assembly line) may not even know what the part that they make goes to, let alone take pride in the final product. Work is not something we look forward to doing, it's not a source of identity. Instead, it has now become something seperate from our lives. I go to work. I don't enjoy what I do, but the pay is good so I sacrifice the hours of my life for money. I do not love what I do, I am alienated from it.

What do I do? I would gratefully listen to any advice. I know I need to stick with it for now, but I think one of my goals in life is to allign my energy in such a way that I am not spending my days wishing the hours away, waiting for 5:00. It seems ashame to want time to pass more quickly. Time is limited, folks! Get yourself a job that matters to you, that makes you feel good, that you identify with. This is worth more than dying with a large bank account. With that little secret of life, I bid you all good night.

A Beautiful Shade of Moonshadow

2005-07-21T08:15:00.000-06:00

You thought something happened, didn't you? I didn't post yesterday, and people got worried. Yeah right, who am I kidding? Nobody reads this regulary. All the same, I read it, and it does worry me that I didn't post. I had the chance, but not motivation. Thus is life. Today, however, I return to the podium!

Tonight is the full moon. What are you going to do? A lot of people do not even notice the moon phase, they just see a full moon every now and again. To me, this event is not one to be ignored. I like to plan a night of adventure on the full moon. It's so nice to go out and do something in the colorless-nightlight that is moonlight. It's really wild. I am thinking fishing might be fun, but a hike would be good too. It's always good to hike to a high place where you can overlook a broad expanse of moonlight covered earth. I like to get high.

I also dig the notorious "moonshadow" (key Cat Stevens). It's amazing, how dark and defined your shadow is at night. It is a good night for flying as well. I have not done that much night flight, but it's a great time to buzz around in a little Cessna and really change your perspective on things. I'll tell you a good time: on the evening of a full moon, jump into a little 2 or 4 seater airplane and take off just as the sun goes down. Fly through the mountains for the next 2 hours or so. I need to plan this little adventure up for my lil mamma, she'd love it.

Well, that is what I had to say for now. I just may be back before the day is through. Lookout, peeps!

How to Adapt at Work

2005-07-19T16:02:00.000-06:00

To start this post, I want to relay a rather crazy drive I had on the way from my home to work today. It started when a huge shadow passed over my truck. It was only there for a moment, but I could tell it was a big ol' chopper. It was really pretty cool. I always look out the windows of airplanes and watch the shadows, wondering if the people they briefly shade know what caused it. This was like being on the other side of the spectrum. I knew for sure without even seeing the helicopter what it was. Cool.

Ok, so I am easily amused, but then as I was pondering this, I hear a loud screech coming from behind. A car in the lane next to me had come in going 55 mph and had not noticed that the line of cars was stopped. He locked up the tires and skidded to a complete stop about 4 inches from my neighbor-in-traffic's bumper. My neighbor saw the guy coming, and the look on his face was priceless. Damn, they are both lucky.

So, I continue my 10 minute drive , pondering the previous two incidents, and I notice something else noteworthy. There is a big truck with all the upgrades, cruising along like the king of the road, and in the back window he has this giant So Cal sticker. There he was, proudly flaunting southern Cali, sporting a Wyoming license plate. You go cowboy, ride that bull.

So I have been thinking lately, as I have been known to do on occasion, and I think I need to start meeting more of the people that work in my office building. I am sort of a hermit. I do my job, I get up when I need to pee or walk around, but I really don't wander and socialize. I am very friendly to everyone, but I don't really know that many people. I am going to start meeting these folks, I want to know what the heck is going on in this building. I will keep you all posted.

So that's it for me. I am going to find something fun to do for the evening.

Communicatory Gender Boundaries?

2005-07-18T11:08:00.000-06:00

Miscommunication. Now this is a subject worth writing about. I'll tell you about this phenomenon. It takes place more often than you think. In fact, I wonder if anybody actually understands anything you say the way you meant it. I would be willing to bet we are all making gross misinterpretations, but that is not what concerns me right now.

Today, I am thinking of the miscommunications that can happen and make life messy. I am talking about when your girlfriend says you can go fishing, but actually means no, but you go anyway because you thought she meant yes. I am talking about trying to cancel a cell phone at the end of the month, but the heavily accented tele-technician on the other end turns it off that instant, making your phone number of over a year suddenly worthless, all the while nobody was informed it was changing. I am talking about the night the girlfriend said she was going out for a drink, and at 5 am that morning, after I spent the night frantically calling all over town, including the police, trying to figure out what happened, and she comes stumbling in the door drunk and unable to remember what all happened.

Miscommunication is not always fun, though it can offer some humor. I myself could go without this terrible form of argument-starter. What gives? Why is it that somebody who knows me better than anybody else in the world can still misread me so greatly at times. I would almost even ask the ranting question "why can't I figure out what the hell she is trying to tell me before she gets mad that I didn't catch on?", but that question has been answered by the age old tradition of women not saying what they want, but trying to hint at it enough that us men will come to the conclusion without the need of blatant hand-holding.

Women: hold your man's hand! We cannot decipher these puzzles. You need to tell us what the fuck you want! If you want us to stay home and have a nice evening alone with you tonight, say that, do not say (with a sarcastic undertone)"Sure, I don't see why you wouldn't just go fishing tonight!" This does not say to a man that he shouldn't go fishing. This is pretty much saying yes to us. We need you to but things bluntly. "No honey, put that rod down. You are to go into the bedroom and put on clothing that does not smell like it came from the bowls of a bass. We will then go out and you can treat me to a nice dinner and a few drinks, and afterwards we can come home, you can tie me to the bed, gag me, and we will make ferocious love until we either pass out or go outside to watch the sunrise!" Now that says to me, the lil lady would like it if I don't fish tonight.

Tell us what you want! Say the words! If you are unsure of exactly what you want, don't pass the puzzle on to your man. A guy will only make a mess of this. Make it simple and clear, this is how we communicate. We are not good interpretors of emotional language, and the saying yes but meaning no stuff is like saying to a dog in the friendliest voice you can muster, "Bad dog!" It doesn't get the message across.

Having said that, I will now go back to trying to figure out what I should have done differently the last time...

Other Side of the Weekend

2005-07-18T08:40:00.000-06:00

Oh Monday. What can I say? The weekend was nice in many ways, typically hard in others. Saturday was spent on a lake in the boat. I had company in town, and the lil mamma, myself, and our friends all went out and escaped the heat through jumping in the water and whatnot. I caught a nice fish, and even had all the witnesses to prove it. We all drank beer and eventually found our way home and to bed. Suday was a typical lazy Sunday. Plans were made and cancelled, and I ended up going to a BBQ for the evening. It was fun and I met some good folks.

The hard part of the day came when I was trying to do good. We just use a cell as our house phone, and our old one has been messing up on us. It doesn't always ring and it just sucks. We got a new phone, and upon being reminded, I finally called to cancel the old one. Well, after a long and thouroughly confusing conversation with computers and heavily-accented people, I managed to get the phone cancelled. Unfortunately, I wanted the phone to be on until the end of the month, and through my confusion it got cancelled immediately. The lil mamma is expecting phone calls about jobs this week, there is no forwarding number when you call the old phone, I can't get ahold of a fucking person if I don't have an active account with that company, and I am going to freak out! WTF? Why does this shit keep happenning. I have enough to deal with. My plate is full.

I just keep carrying on.

"Sometimes it seems like such a hard time,
But there's good times around the bend...
Roller coaster's got to roll to the bottom,
If you want to climb to the top again." -SCI

On a positive note, I had some good sex last night. I was needing that.

Happy Monday folks.

Here's to our ancestors

2005-07-15T14:47:00.000-06:00

What the fuck did I do to deserve all of this crazy bullshit in my life? I am a simple, laid back guy, and I live in an unfolding drama of epic proportions. At work I have problems coming in so fast it is all I can do to stay on top of them all. When I slip up and one thing gets delayed, it all crashes down on me and ends up being a stressful situation. I am ok with that, work is stressful, but my issues at home lately are enough to make me even crazier at times. Today my lil mamma had an interview to go to. I stopped by during my lunch break to say good luck and give her a hug. As it ended up, she told me I stressed her out and made her nervous, and she left the house looking upset. Great. What did I do in that one? All I said while at home was that she should not be worried because she is fully fit for this job. What do I know. I should keep my mouth shut.

I don't know what to do. I need a vacation from my life right now. That sounds good. I want to get away, just me, and be swept up in something completely for a couple of weeks. I need a break. I don't get a break, though. I have no plans to even miss a day of work for the rest of the summer. I have already begged and received a week off. Can't expect more.

Why can't I just live in a log cabin and hunt for a living. That's the good life, living from day to day. A paycheck is security, but it secures you to a life of sacrifice, a life lived for others. The sould wants to be free, a person needs free time. Before agriculture, people had much more free time. Days were spent working on crafts and moving slowly about. Now everything is a big god damned hurry, and we have less time than ever for ourselves. Blah! Oh, to be a caveman!

Disagreements

2005-07-14T16:20:00.000-06:00

I have no idea what goes through her head at times. She has some hang ups that I can't solve. An example: there has been this issue lately with me disagreeing with her. When somebody offers up an idea to me, I always immediately evaluate what I see as its strengths and weaknesses out loud. Well, the lil mamma has been getting upset and she says I always disagree with her just because it was her idea, and she gets all frusterated. This happened yesterday, and it came out of the blue. We were just talking, like i would with anyone else, and all of the sudden it was like BLAM! "Sure, it's a bad idea just because I mentioned it!" and all of the sudden she is upset. I am not sure whether to blame this one on the raging emotions from her current events, or whether to think she really believes I maliciously put down her ideas. WTF? I am such a laid back guy, what the hell leads her to these types of things?

I think maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I am a shitty boyfriend and just don't realize it. I try really hard to do everything I can to let her know I love her while still maintaining some semblence of a life which is my own. She still sometimes says she feels like I don't treat her like I am in love. It's not all my choice. When she doesn't want to fish from dawn til dusk, I have to go with someone else. Should I feel guilty about this? I could never give up fishing, what's a salty dog to do?

The Real World

2005-07-14T16:04:00.000-06:00

Routine is setting in. The new job does not seem as new anymore, and the weeks are flying by. I hate it when time flys and you are not necessarily having any fun. Oh well, that is the essence of life in America, is it not?

Tonight I think I am going to try and fish again. I need to fish. The water is calling to me. I want to be adrift. Soon enough.

The big one always lurks. It's like with anything in life. Imperfection is the norm, but sometimes things just happen so right that it inspires you to keep trying, over and over. I will catch the big one some day, then they will all see. The voices, they will laugh no more!!!!

Seriously though. It is very important in the working world to make time for hobbies. If you just go home and rest each night after work, your life will pass by with too few experiences. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Do something and make a memory each day! That is how to keep your life long and happy.

With that little secret of life revealed, I will now go. Someday I will figure out how to put a counter in here. I had my first comment yesterday. Makes me wonder how many people might be reading this. It would be interesting to know, eh?

Roller Coaster

2005-07-13T16:43:00.000-06:00

Life is crazy right now. Every time I think I know what is going on, life flips on me. What the hell? Example: I got a full time job and stayed in this town because my girlfriend was considering staying in school for a couple more years. I landed a good job, just got into the swing of things, and now I find that school might not be happening, and I now feel that we are still in this town because of the fact I have responsibilities with my job. I mean, I like my town, I even like my house, but now is prime time to make a move, while I am young! Maybe I just have wander lust. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Anyway, aside from my job, life is crazy too. There has been a lot of emotion in our relationship lately because the lil lady is going through a lot right now, and when she gets snappy I don't have a lot of patience due to long days at work. We end up getting pissy, but as of lately we have managed not to let it develope into any big fights.

I am feeling guilty and off balance with my sex life. I recently (within the past 18 months) let my lil mamma in on the darker side of my sexual interests. She took it all very well and even displayed genuine interest in much of it. I am worried I have been moving too fast since then, though. I don't know, I am new to all of this, but I of course am still holding back greatly, because I am super kinky and my fantasies far surpass anything I am willing to just jump in and try out on her. So I go little by little. However, there have been a couple of times, due to her insecurities and my daff hastiness, when I made her feel uncomfortable. I resolved the situations immediately, but the things we were doing were not even a big deal to me. Does this mean I need a person who is themself kinky if I am to be happy? How open minded can a vanilla person be? I mean, my lil mamma likes things like sex in public and oral sex, but she still hesitates with bondage. I am being patient, but sometimes my patience grows thin when it comes to feeling like a freak for something I feel so strongly about. I wish I could just wear a sign and be accepted. How much easier life would be then.

Anyway, it's off to Wonderland for me, have fun kids!

Band Names

2005-07-12T10:06:00.000-06:00

These are funny. I may have to use one.

The Little Things

2005-07-12T09:23:00.000-06:00

I was just reading a blog (this one), and it got me to thinking. People miss out on all the good things in life. We are blinded by the grandeur of the big, in your face, exciting things in life, and it is only after it is all over that we realize the little details that we miss, even though we may not have consciously noticed them at the time. I think of going on a long vacation, and after it is over you find yourself missing those first couple of moments you spent each day, groggy, sober, so quiet and peaceful, before the craziness of vacation started up again.

I think of missing a person, how suddenly little things like the lines around her eyes, or the food she wouldn't eat become the things you remember most.

I think of sitting on a city street, watching everybody hurry by. If you just sit still for a moment and look, you can see the stillness and beauty that surrounds you, the little corners and shaded places nobody else notices. There is beauty there, and some day I hope to be in tune enough to see this beauty all of the time, this ever present, unending beauty. I don't want to look back and see a life I took for granted. I want to appreciate every moment. This is my life, and I only get one chance to get this one right.

Monday Blahs

2005-07-11T14:55:00.000-06:00

This weekend was productive. I got some more veggies going in my garden, and saw some good music. I also went fishing and caught a nice trout. That put me in good spirits.

Today was a very groggy, slow Monday. That's the shits when you are busy. I got my work done and will be capable of mopping up tomorrow, but the day was more painful than necessary. I have to let myself get some more sleep!

The delimma is always the same. A young guy, fresh out of college, now I have my night's completely free but responsibility during the day. What does this mean? As soon as I get off of work, I get this second wind and I want to stay up as late as possible, to capture as much of the day as possible after being stuck in work. However, the next morning, it is so hard to get up and get my brain into the work day, and I have to chug along with minimal energy. I tell myself that I need to relax tonight, but 5:00 comes along, and BAM! Energy! WTF?

We should all work less and spend more time with the finer things in life, the little pleasures. Yeah right, this is America, who am I kidding?

Send 'Em My Way

2005-07-08T15:14:00.000-06:00

What a day. Fridays are not supposed to be harder than Mondays, but the anticipation of the weekend combined with the fact that people leave the office early so my phone stops ringing, makes for a slow Friday, especially the afternoon.

My lunch period was spent arguing with the lil lady. I think we finally made some peace before I left, but I definately did not have a break. I came back and one of the guys stopped into my office and said a bunch of people were unsatisfied with a spreadsheet I had been working on. Without going into it, they were mad about the quality of it, and I had already told them all it was a first draft and not to view it as the final document. Well, I spouted all this out at my fellow employee, and he said "Hey man, stay cool, don't stress about it," to which I growled "Yeah, well if there are any more of them with their panties in a wad, send 'em my way!" and left.

That felt good. I normally am the most laid back guy there is, but today I have no more patience. I just gotta avoid decking anyone.

It is interesting that I have been having so much shit going on in my life lately, more than normal for sure, and yet I have been in surprisingly good spirits. Maybe this is all just a test. At any rate, I am just gonna try to keep my head clear and work through each mess one bit at a time. If anybody pushes my buttons, I will make a nice necklace out of their teeth. Have a nice day!

Fishing Blues

2005-07-08T10:49:00.000-06:00

Am I truly an insensitive, bumbling ass? Last night I had an argument with the lil lady. She was pissed that I would go out and try to do something while she was feeling miserable. While she had thought earlier in the day it was a good idea for me to go fishing and get away for a few hours, it was not alright by the time I was supposed to leave. I went anyway, and I was in the doghouse all night and all morning. I don't know what to think of these situations. I realize that she is super stressed due to all the craziness in her life right now, but is it alright for her to express that through being angry over all the little things? It's like her brain has been forced into a state of pessimism.

I guess I just don't relate because I try to never treat anybody poorly or say anything mean, unless I think it is a deserved thing. I have had some comments made to me in arguments with her that were quite hurtful, in fact, I think if I would have said something of equal caliber to her, she would have said fuck you and dropped me on the spot. So why don't I? Things seem so good when they are good. We can communicate very well usually, and we get along great. When things get bad, they get equally as bad. I know every relationship has it's ups and downs, as cliche as that sounds, but what happens when you feel like the downs are making themselves present more?

What really makes it difficult is the fact that it is not usually something in our relationship that kicks off the horrible fights. If it were problems we were having between the two of us coming up all the time, that would be one thing. But we have fights over things like something another girl said to me, or the fact we are late.

I feel like she is looking for the negative in all the things I do, and applying this to our relationship. Instead of seeing me going fishing as being a nice break for both of us because life has been so crazy, she sees it as me ditching her, leaving her at home to feel horrible all by herself. Why didn't she tell me when I asked that she didn't want me to go? Because when I asked, it was ok. To top it off, it was my fault things blew up because I guess I should not have called back to check in on her when I knew she was so upset (!?!?!).

I don't know what is happening here. I used to be one of the guys. I drank beer, I fished, I played poker, and I was a rambler. Now I go home from work everyday to spend the evening with the lil lady, I feel guilty leaving her to be by herself (because I know that she hates it), and I don't go out and have guy nights anymore unless I am fishing. Unfortunately, fishing almost always leads to an argument.

Just to put it in perspective, she hates that I go fishing because I am out late and I come home with beer on my breath. However, twice in the past two weeks, she has gone out, promising to come home soon, and both times she stayed out until sunrise, and came home so stumbling drunk she couldn't stand up. To top it all off, both nights I was up all night worried that something happened to her because she didn't even call. I didn't get mad either time. I am too laid back for my own good.

There's no moral to this story today. All I can say is that I know I shouldn't try to understand the wimmin, I always end up guessing wrong.

If Everyone Else Jumped Off A Bridge...

2005-07-08T08:38:00.000-06:00

Yes, that's right, I followed the trend and did it too. Here it is:

There are 21 letters in your name.Those 21 letters total to 99There are 9 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 9
The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.
The expression or destiny for #9:The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.
If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.
Your Soul Urge number is: 7
A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means: You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

I would have to say that it rings quite true for me. Weird.

Hard Day's Night

2005-07-07T22:53:00.000-06:00

Damn... I got to go fishing, but didn't even have a bite. And we fished hard. Oh well, sometimes you have to pay your dues. My little mamma has been pretty upset about this whole attack thing. It was pretty traumatic for her. I keep saying at least our dog is alright, but she cannot seem to get herself back into a normal headspace. She has so many things on her mind right now, and doesn't know where to start sorting through it all. I can see the position she is in, and can certainly sympathize, but I just feel like she has been so snappy lately it can be hard. Sometimes she says some hurtful things when she is in a rage, and I try my best to just let them roll off my back. If I return that kind of thing, it will only get ugly. What the hell do I know.

So tonight I am in a bit of a stupor. I hope tomorrow is a clearer day. What happened to lazy summer days? This summer has been like a rocket ride to the moon! I need a real break. I don't even know what that means. A break from work? A break from people? A break from myself? I just feel tired.

All for tonight. If anybody stumbles upon this ranting, have yourself a good night, a'ight?

Run, Rabbit Run...

2005-07-07T16:21:00.000-06:00

Another work day, come and gone. I am beginning to feel a little drained, I have got to start getting more sleep. I would be fine if I could just catch up on the weekends. Mental note: sleep this weekend, lots.

So I managed to manage everything well enough to stay on track one more day. Tonight I pray that I get to fish. I think I will, I already found a willing accomplace, and I just need to stay out from under the weather. It sure would be nice to boat a few bass tonight. Nothing like that to relieve stress. Not that I am stressed, but wholly shit life has been bending me over a lot lately. I am over the emergencies. I just need some quiet time. Let me have it!

At least I am keeping my head about me. No sense in panicking, life just likes to get a little ass rape-age in every now and again, and this year I have been the chosen bitch. Which is strange, considering I have had excellent luck with many things this year. Big ups and big downs I guess.

So I go, off to the pond, off to the land of sharp hooks and tight lines. I hope the fish are ready for some action. Remember: any time you are fishing it is good fishing. Great fishing is when you actually catch something!

Moving Right Along...

2005-07-07T09:04:00.000-06:00

Ok, so the little dog is just fine. He looks like he got chewed on by a pitbull, but all in all he is doing ok. The experience was pretty crazy, and it took until about 9 PM before we could even push it out of our heads and just lay back and relax. It just goes to show how it only takes one instant for life to take a crazy change of course. We got lucky with this little encounter, but once again, one must consider it a lesson learned.

So we finally got to our wonderful night of kinky sex. I had been so ready for so many days, but things were not conducive to a long night. Finally, we got to it. I got her some great new clothing, including some new gloves and stockings, a garter belt, and a latex bra, just to name a few things. She looked stunning, and I realized that I am a happy puppy in the sex world right now. She is so willing to try new things, it amazes me. I know that she is still apprehensive about some parts of the whole bondage bit, but she is doing a good job of just sitting back and seeing what it's like. She is really getting into most of it. Some things are still a little weird for her, but some things seem almost too good for her to handle. It is a fun process to be involved in, watching her develope her taste for the kinky.

Dog Attack

2005-07-06T12:32:00.000-06:00

Just when you thought it was safe to let your guard down, another obstacle is thrown your way.

I just got word that one of our dogs was in a dog fight. More like a dog mauling. Some lady came along with a stray pit bull, saying how he seemed friendly but she didn't know what to do with him. She said she would take him home for now. About 10 minutes later, the pitbull shows back up outside our house. Our little old man, an old cocker spaniel, was out in the yard. The pit bull saw our dog, and ran over to him. When he turned and went for the door, the pit bull attacked. Apparently it had our dog's head in its mouth for about a minute, all the while my girlfriend and neighbor were kicking it in the head trying to get it to let go. Finally he did, and an emergency vet trip ensued.

Now, I have definately seen a lot of pit bulls. I know the stories of how tough they are, and how they can bite through almost anything. I also know about the classic answer I get from pit bull owners "everyone is scared of him, but he wouldn't hurt a fly". Where do these angry dogs come from? Why in the hell are they loose? I guess those who are irresponsible enough to raise a dog that is viscious are also irresponsible enough to leave their gate open.

So now what? Do we push to have the dog put down? Do we trust that the owner won't let this happen again (apparently animal control has picked this dog up several times now). Shouldn't there be a way to mark this owner so that they cannot purchase more dogs? I don't know what a person does in this situation. I do know that if any stray pit bulls show their face in my yard anytime soon, they are going to be receiving a boot to the jaw. I love animals, but am also very protective of mine. If a dog comes to my yard and attacks one of my dogs, that dog will be marked for death by me. Sorry to all those irresponsible pit bull owners out there.

So, life continues, the saga never offers a dull moment. Will I get to fish tonight? Signs point to no, but we'll see. I need a breather from life. Get me into my boat please!

Break On Through

2005-07-06T08:44:00.000-06:00

There comes a time in the life of every blogger, I'd imagine, when one asks "Is anybody reading this thing?" I mean, I am not even sure I love the thought of people rummiging through my rantings and judging who I am, But then again, why would I have posted an online log if I feared people reading it. I guess deep down we all want somebody to read what we put down here, to relate to it and think "whoa, that person would be really cool to meet." Am I off base here?

So today, after some delays that were quite welcome on my part, my lil' momma is heading out of town. I welcome the extra fishing time I will get, but I definately miss her while she is gone. But hey, it's only a week, right?

Listen to the Lorax folks, he speaks for the trees!

This random post brought to you by Skunk #1

Sounds of War

2005-07-05T16:00:00.000-06:00

What would it sound like on the other side of the ocean? What is it like when there is a war going on in your back yard?

Ask your pets. Over the past couple of days, animals all across the nation have been scared senseless by explosives of every kind detonating in the streets of our neighborhoods. That's right, America was celebrating its independence once again, and we created the illusion of a little war within our country.

I don't mean to sounds cynical, I love explosives and fire, and would have it no other way. But all the same, it occurred to me last night, as I sat in the back yard and admired the onslaught of the senses taking place all around my abode. It sounded like a war. Random spurts of fire, the occasion thump followed by a loud crack up in the air. It is wild. A peacetime war, where few get hurt but many take part.

The dogs were displeased last night. Well, of the three in our house right now, one hated the show. One was not interested. The other was quite excited and wanted to grab on to one of those flashy things flying around. She tried to grab a sparkler, which could have been a quick buzzkill. Lucky for my lighting fast tequila reflexes, she never got to taste the fire end of the rocket.

The cats took it all right. They just stayed where they could not be seen, and didn't complain much. I can never tell just what the cats think. They're little perma-trippers, if you ask me. They just think "whoa.... man". That's it.

So it's now almost time to call it a day. Amazing how fast a day of work can go by when you are busy, eh? Would we rather work our asses off and have our lives fly by painlessly, or have long, slow days of work, that seem like every second is hours. The second option seems to me to be the experience of a much longer life. Do we want that experience, or would it be better if our lives just flew by? I hate those options. We should all quit and own a small farm, get by on the land. Life would be much less copmplicated. I, for one, would have less to manage.

The Bear Went Over the Mountain

2005-07-05T14:59:00.000-06:00

After work, many people go home and lounge on the couch. Some people watch television, some listen to music. Many people go in search of social stimulation. What do I do after a long hard day in the office? Well, I love to fish. I love to float around on the water, and do nothing but watch the end of a fishing pole and drift far back into the reaches of my mind. Some people need to cross their legs, close their eyes and chant to really get deep into thought. Me, I fish. I don't know what it is, and I cannot explain other than to say that the little glimmer of hope that I could catch a big fish, combined with the peace of mind of being free from everything for a few hours takes me beyond just sorting through myself. It takes me to a headspace where I question the fabric of the universe. What do we really know? Why do we trust science so readily? One day science tells us that Newton's physics will answer our questions. Soon Einstein is introduced to the equation, and much of what we thought we knew is altered. How do we know that we are on the right track now? How do we know that we are not ignoring a better science? How do we know that we would recognize a better science if we came across it? Would we be able to adapt it, or are we too set in our old ways? Whoa...

Fishing is also a great way to get to know people. I have a little fishing boat, perfect for two people and about twelve beers. There are many types of people in this world. Here are some of them:

-the person who will drink some beer
-the person who will not drink beer
-the person that drinks more than half the beer
-the person who brings whiskey too

-the person who cleans their hook off, and drops the weeds in the bottom of your boat
-the person who drops the fish into the bottom of the boat before taking the hook out (we're talking fish that are to be released)

-the person who is afraid of fish
-the person who is afraid of water
-the person who is afraid of their Captain!

-the person who talks about girls
-the person who talks about women
-the person who talks so much you don't follow him
-the person who talks about fire
-the person who lies about fish they've caught
-the person who never says a word

-the person who hooks your tackle box
-the person who hooks the motor
-the person who hooks your lifejackets
-the person who hooks you
-this person is usually the same person by this point in time

So what does all this say about a person? So what, the question is, did they catch anything, right? WRONG! Fishing is a social artform. Fisherman know a language that few others know. When it is appropriate to talk. When to listen. When to be honest. When to be loud. When to whisper. When to use body gestures.

What does it mean? We may never know, but I have a sneaking suspision that those who know how to fish, and I mean that in the deepest sense of the phrase, must be better because of it. It makes sense, doesn't it?

Tight lines all...

Back again, with a Vengeance

2005-07-05T11:27:00.000-06:00

Wow, what a weekend. I once again indulged in the fun and games present at a large outdoor concert venue. Two straight days of music, including YMSB (see the link on my site). These guys are great. The music was wonderful, and it all makes me feel the need to ramble. I need to get out more! The shitty part of the adventure came at the security gate. I bought a very beautiful new pipe, colorful glass with a frog on it. I stashed it in a rolled up raincoat along with all my boomers and my bud. Well, of course, that day they searched the shit out of me. They found it all. It all went in the trash can. Man, almost $50 of weed and a pipe that had not even been smoked yet. To the trash. I was sad, but I got my shit together and had a good time anyway. You can't let the man get you down. Those bastards.

The fourth was nice. I went and bought a new pipe, smoked it lots, and drank a bunch of Margaritas while lighting some fireworks. It was fun, until this morning when I was puking those margaritas back out, scorching my throat and really making myself feel good for a long day in the office. Enough about that, it's back to pondering life, and the complexities I deal with each day. Oh boy!

So, my big night did not go as planned. Shit. I was really looking forward to a long night of restraining my beautiful girlfriend, making tons of sweet love, and then making our weekend from there. Instead, I took her out for a wonderful dinner, and by the time we got home, she was tired and only had a little vanilla sex in her. It was good, but not what I needed to satisfy the spicy desires. Blue balls again for me. To make it worse, we were out of town all weekend, and now she is leaving tomorrow for a 9 day trip out of town. Man, I may have to do some kidnapping tonight. I need handcuffs, I need latex stockings, I need a big ballgag and a blindfold! Is this too much to ask? I think not. So where am I now? I am on the other side of this weekend, and noticing that sometimes, you should not count your chickens before they hatch, or should I say count your hours of sex before you have your woman tied to the bed. I got my hopes up, and got a big let down. It will be that much better later, right?

Enough about this, it is depressing. I will write when I have something better to say. For now, be happy all. Peace!

Omni-bored

2005-07-01T12:47:00.000-06:00

What is it about work that makes the day take so long? Busy days are nice, as they tend to fly by. A slow Friday, however, just drizzles by, one millisecond ay a time. Especially this day, as tonight is going to be special...

Ok, time for a heart to heart with the old online journal. When I was a young boy, back in that wonderful era of "hot colored" clothing and whacky hair we call the 80's, I was watching one of the Star Wars movies. I don't remember which of the three it was, but this night it was so much different. There is that one scene where princess Leia (sp?) is wearing nothing but a tiny metal bikini and she is on the end of a collar and leash held by a rather repulsive Jabba the Hut. Whoa, for some reason I liked to see this princess restrained as such. What was wrong with me? Oh my god, I am going to be a rapist...

Whoa there, don't get ahead of yourself young one. What is going on here? My hormones had begun kicking in, and I learned something about myself that shaped the way I view life quite profoundly. I realized I was kinky. Today, it is a miracle I can even say it so casually. At the time, I felt devastated. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I really liked the sound of tying a woman up, gagging her, and teasing her in sexual ways. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted to retrain them. Even now I can hear, as I say that statement, how weird it can sound to somebody. I was coming from a very small settlement in the mountains. Where I grew up, the men were men, and so were the woman. The sheep ran scared, and they painted red X's on the ones that kicked (safe sex). So seriously. You could count the girls in my class on both hands, and they all disliked me immensely. Why? I was a friendly but dorky, tall and skinny, sweatpants wearing, unrelenting boy. I just wanted to do my thing, to be left alone by those who didn't like what I did. It was not cool to be like this at my school, however, and I was subject to contant taunting by those little brats. Damn, that is such a mean age, kids will say anything just to hurt each other.

So now, if it wasn't enough I was an outcast already, I had the prospect of coping with the fact I was kinky. What girl in their right mind would let me tie them up before sex? I had to be mentally ill.

Fast forward to high school. I go to a new school, this school has so many people I am blown away (100 kids in my class, woo!). My social life outside the bubble of the mountain village has just begun. How do I fare? Well, let's just say that a 15 year old who has never even spoken to a friendly girl his age outside of his family, well, he has issues. My shyness was perceived as prudeness, and once again, I could not find myself in favor of the other sex. My hormones cranking in full gear now, I am torn in half. I want a girlfriend so bad, though maybe just for the sex, and yet the girls don't like me, I avoid them, and I know that if they ever knew my dirty secret I would be considered such a freak I would never be able to show my face in town again. So far, striking out.

At last, my senior year of high school. I had just gotten out of a relationship that was as non-intimate as one can be (we shared some kisses on the cheeks, oh yeah, and hugs). I had also discovered the internet, as was well aware that what I liked was usually refered to as BDSM or Bondage, and that it seemed only perverts liked this stuff. From every direction came the idea that only sexually abused people liked Bondage, but I was never abused in any way. I lived with a wonderful family, had a life full of happiness, and did not have any real problems insofar as mistreatment or neglect. I mean, I had my own problems, which were a mountain on my back, but I was not starving or being raped. Was a crazy?

Two girls passed through my life at this time. One of them, I had been hanging around with as a friend for a year or so. She was very fun to be around, and I found her very attractive. The only problem was, she was rather premiscuous. I have no problem with this, except that it is a turn off to me. I wanted a girl who did not casually share herself with so many folks. Thus, I never tried to start anything with my friend, but I certainly fantasized about tying her to the bed and making sweet love to her. Then one day, it happened. Very casually, in a group conversation, somebody mentions it. "Hey H(my friend), are you still into that bondage stuff?" Wholly shit, I almost fell over! She likes what I like! I thought this was something only sick men were into, not innocent girls! Well, I never asked her about it, though her interest was reaffirmed on several occasions in casual comments.

I went back to my little school, the one I started out in, for my senior year. Along came another girl. B was definately the most sexually mature girl in our class, and by this point I could actually talk to girls and not seem like the nervous dork wad of my past. In a conversation one day she mentions an experience with handcuffs and whipped cream, and next thing I know it is two in the morning and I am on the phone coming clean with her. Wholly shit. We maintained a good friendship for another 2 months after that, and then parted ways. It was time for me to go to college.

College: a blur of drunken, stoned, dimly lit party nights, followed by long mornings of writing hung over papers due that afternoon. That's right, I never caved in to the "gotta work 4 hours outside of class for every hour in" bit. I did homework when I wanted to, and usually did it under the influence of something. And I got A's and B's.

Sex life in college: none. Well, almost none. I find myself in my fourth year of college, and I meet this girl that is very friendly. I remember that the day after I met her she saw me in the library and ran up to give me a hug from behind, something I really love. At the time, I really didn't think anything of it. Well, give that one about 6 months and suddenly I find myself naked, in bed, with a girl, first time ever. What happens? I can't get it up. I was so nervous that I just couldn't. What did she do? She gave me a chance the next night, and we went at it like champions until the sun rose. Whoa, my sex life started like champaigne, with a bang!

So now what. I have to tell her, right? By this time in my life, I had learned that there were normal people out there who enjoyed kinky sex, but in my mind they only existed in New York and L.A. Not in Colorado, for sure. Don't you go thinking that I got up the balls and just came clean. No way, I was so scared that if she found out, she would disappear for good, and that would damage me infinately as it would only reinforce my feelings of how I was different. I needed a miracle. I got one.

I was fortunate enough to get to take a trip to Amsterdam, the real Sin City. We are not talking Vegas BS here, we are talking boomers, kind bud, and sex shops everywhere. So I get this idea. I will casually mention to my girl that I may pick her up a set of handcuffs as a gag gift, maybe we can use them if she ever gets naughty, that sort of thing. I took 4 hours planning out the perfect email, rereading it too many times, and finally I sent it, knowing that at least if she reacted badly, I had infinite stoney weed at my disposal. She writes back: that sounds fun. Or something along those lines, I don't even know, because that day such a weight was taken off my shoulders that I only remember a foggy cloud of acceptance. Oh god, it was all too much. I spilled the beans, as much as was reasonable anyway, and told her a lot about what I liked. She said she loved me, wanted me to be happy, and was down for trying anything. I came home with some leather cuffs, she surprised me with new lingerie, and yet again, we had a night that was hot until the sun rose. Since then, we have steadily been improving our communications about both of our sexual interests, and things keep getting better. Bringing me back to tonight,

The work day is long because tonight tonight we are having another evening of spicey, wonderful bondage fun. I just got a bunch of new toys off the net, some being my favorites, some being things just for her. We are gonna get the chance to use them tonight, too, after I take her out for a beautiful evening on the town. We can have some drinks, be merry, and afterwords, while she dresses in more "comfortable" attire, I will set the house aglow with candles and we'll wait for the sun to bless us with another beautiful, glowing morning-after.

Yes, my friends, tonight I am once again realizing I am on the other side. I am finally on the other side of an issue that has made me feel uncomfortable and different from the time I was a boy. I can finally look at myself, my interests, my sexuality, and claim them as my own, and say that I am happy in what I do in the bedroom, so fuck anyone who would think differently of me if they knew, and especially fuck those people who go around saying it's an illness. I am normal. I am a manager. I am a nice fucking guy, so deal with it or go back to your hole.

That's my ramblings for now. This is fun, isn't it?

The Other Side

2005-07-01T10:20:00.000-06:00

Day one of my blog. I often look at people's first posting just to see what was going through their mind as they lay their first words down for the entire world to view at its leisure. What does one say to the whole world? It should certainly be catchy enough that somebody would want to read it. I feel I should say something important, so as not to waste the whole world's time. So where do I begin?

Well world, this is my blog, so if you don't like what you are reading, piss off! I am writing whatever I want. Now I feel a little less pressure.

Have you ever been on a really long journey, and even though you know it will come to an end, it doesn't really feel like you will ever finish? This happens to me all the time. I have now driven across the country 2 times, round trip. My girlfriend and I would drive straight through, one way. About 4 hours into a 36 hour drive, you certainly encounter the phenomenon I am talking about.

I'll give you another good example: school. This is what brought this topic to mind. Actually, it is the fact that I just got pooped out the backside of America's big, fat, ugly, and crippled education system. I jumped through every one of those hoops, every one! And my diploma from a four year university showed up in the mail just yesterday. It's official ladies and gentlemen, the guy is done with the bullshit. I am in no way against education. Education is the most valuable thing we have at our disposal, so far as I am concerned. What's the use of these big complex human brains we all have if we don't ever use them? I like to continue to try and expand mine, but that's another issue all together.

In looking back on my school experience, I can only shake my head in wonder. What was that? What happened? Certainly, I learned a lot along the way. I leanred information from textbooks, I learned about people, friends and enemies, love and hate. I learned that some have authority, it is usually not me, and I usually don't like just anybody being able to tell me what to do. Most importantly, however, I learned that if you put your mind to it you can get through even the most difficult task, and come out safe, though sometimes bewildered, on the other side.

So here I am, on the other side. about three days out of graduation, a job opportunity appeared out of the blue, and just fell right down into the lap of this directionless wanderer. Suddenly, I find myself a manager. The four year degree has kicked in, done its job, right? I don't really know what to think of the whole situation. I like the job well enough, it's just that I feel like I have been swept up into the system. This is a place that was always very foreign to me, from the outside looking in I never saw just how a person got this kind of job. What exactly does a manager do, I always wondered. Now I know these things. I am about 5 weeks new to the job, and still feel like they must have made a mistake. I am just a 23 year old kid. Who would hire me to manage anything? I guess it was that philosophy degree...

That's right. I studied philosophy. And to answer that question that any philosophy major dreads, the often repeated yet never answered to anyone's satisfaction "What do you do with a philosophy degree?" I'll tell you what I will do with it. I will be a manager. Then I will manage things by day, and I'll fish and drink beer at night. I'll smoke marijuana, one of the safest yet most illegal substances known to man. I will play an instrument and relish the feeling that music brings to the soul. I will finally be able to afford to take my girlfriend out to dinner every once in a while. I will keep on trucking along and not look back, for we get to live life just once and I jumped onto this train to get the best possible ride. I don't want a window seat. I want to steer this badboy. So look out world, I am on the loose. What am I going to do with a philosophy degree? Complete world domination? Maybe, but for now I am just setting up a blog. Wow, this is kind of fun!