Omni-bored

What is it about work that makes the day take so long? Busy days are nice, as they tend to fly by. A slow Friday, however, just drizzles by, one millisecond ay a time. Especially this day, as tonight is going to be special...

Ok, time for a heart to heart with the old online journal. When I was a young boy, back in that wonderful era of "hot colored" clothing and whacky hair we call the 80's, I was watching one of the Star Wars movies. I don't remember which of the three it was, but this night it was so much different. There is that one scene where princess Leia (sp?) is wearing nothing but a tiny metal bikini and she is on the end of a collar and leash held by a rather repulsive Jabba the Hut. Whoa, for some reason I liked to see this princess restrained as such. What was wrong with me? Oh my god, I am going to be a rapist...

Whoa there, don't get ahead of yourself young one. What is going on here? My hormones had begun kicking in, and I learned something about myself that shaped the way I view life quite profoundly. I realized I was kinky. Today, it is a miracle I can even say it so casually. At the time, I felt devastated. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I really liked the sound of tying a woman up, gagging her, and teasing her in sexual ways. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted to retrain them. Even now I can hear, as I say that statement, how weird it can sound to somebody. I was coming from a very small settlement in the mountains. Where I grew up, the men were men, and so were the woman. The sheep ran scared, and they painted red X's on the ones that kicked (safe sex). So seriously. You could count the girls in my class on both hands, and they all disliked me immensely. Why? I was a friendly but dorky, tall and skinny, sweatpants wearing, unrelenting boy. I just wanted to do my thing, to be left alone by those who didn't like what I did. It was not cool to be like this at my school, however, and I was subject to contant taunting by those little brats. Damn, that is such a mean age, kids will say anything just to hurt each other.

So now, if it wasn't enough I was an outcast already, I had the prospect of coping with the fact I was kinky. What girl in their right mind would let me tie them up before sex? I had to be mentally ill.

Fast forward to high school. I go to a new school, this school has so many people I am blown away (100 kids in my class, woo!). My social life outside the bubble of the mountain village has just begun. How do I fare? Well, let's just say that a 15 year old who has never even spoken to a friendly girl his age outside of his family, well, he has issues. My shyness was perceived as prudeness, and once again, I could not find myself in favor of the other sex. My hormones cranking in full gear now, I am torn in half. I want a girlfriend so bad, though maybe just for the sex, and yet the girls don't like me, I avoid them, and I know that if they ever knew my dirty secret I would be considered such a freak I would never be able to show my face in town again. So far, striking out.

At last, my senior year of high school. I had just gotten out of a relationship that was as non-intimate as one can be (we shared some kisses on the cheeks, oh yeah, and hugs). I had also discovered the internet, as was well aware that what I liked was usually refered to as BDSM or Bondage, and that it seemed only perverts liked this stuff. From every direction came the idea that only sexually abused people liked Bondage, but I was never abused in any way. I lived with a wonderful family, had a life full of happiness, and did not have any real problems insofar as mistreatment or neglect. I mean, I had my own problems, which were a mountain on my back, but I was not starving or being raped. Was a crazy?

Two girls passed through my life at this time. One of them, I had been hanging around with as a friend for a year or so. She was very fun to be around, and I found her very attractive. The only problem was, she was rather premiscuous. I have no problem with this, except that it is a turn off to me. I wanted a girl who did not casually share herself with so many folks. Thus, I never tried to start anything with my friend, but I certainly fantasized about tying her to the bed and making sweet love to her. Then one day, it happened. Very casually, in a group conversation, somebody mentions it. "Hey H(my friend), are you still into that bondage stuff?" Wholly shit, I almost fell over! She likes what I like! I thought this was something only sick men were into, not innocent girls! Well, I never asked her about it, though her interest was reaffirmed on several occasions in casual comments.

I went back to my little school, the one I started out in, for my senior year. Along came another girl. B was definately the most sexually mature girl in our class, and by this point I could actually talk to girls and not seem like the nervous dork wad of my past. In a conversation one day she mentions an experience with handcuffs and whipped cream, and next thing I know it is two in the morning and I am on the phone coming clean with her. Wholly shit. We maintained a good friendship for another 2 months after that, and then parted ways. It was time for me to go to college.

College: a blur of drunken, stoned, dimly lit party nights, followed by long mornings of writing hung over papers due that afternoon. That's right, I never caved in to the "gotta work 4 hours outside of class for every hour in" bit. I did homework when I wanted to, and usually did it under the influence of something. And I got A's and B's.

Sex life in college: none. Well, almost none. I find myself in my fourth year of college, and I meet this girl that is very friendly. I remember that the day after I met her she saw me in the library and ran up to give me a hug from behind, something I really love. At the time, I really didn't think anything of it. Well, give that one about 6 months and suddenly I find myself naked, in bed, with a girl, first time ever. What happens? I can't get it up. I was so nervous that I just couldn't. What did she do? She gave me a chance the next night, and we went at it like champions until the sun rose. Whoa, my sex life started like champaigne, with a bang!

So now what. I have to tell her, right? By this time in my life, I had learned that there were normal people out there who enjoyed kinky sex, but in my mind they only existed in New York and L.A. Not in Colorado, for sure. Don't you go thinking that I got up the balls and just came clean. No way, I was so scared that if she found out, she would disappear for good, and that would damage me infinately as it would only reinforce my feelings of how I was different. I needed a miracle. I got one.

I was fortunate enough to get to take a trip to Amsterdam, the real Sin City. We are not talking Vegas BS here, we are talking boomers, kind bud, and sex shops everywhere. So I get this idea. I will casually mention to my girl that I may pick her up a set of handcuffs as a gag gift, maybe we can use them if she ever gets naughty, that sort of thing. I took 4 hours planning out the perfect email, rereading it too many times, and finally I sent it, knowing that at least if she reacted badly, I had infinite stoney weed at my disposal. She writes back: that sounds fun. Or something along those lines, I don't even know, because that day such a weight was taken off my shoulders that I only remember a foggy cloud of acceptance. Oh god, it was all too much. I spilled the beans, as much as was reasonable anyway, and told her a lot about what I liked. She said she loved me, wanted me to be happy, and was down for trying anything. I came home with some leather cuffs, she surprised me with new lingerie, and yet again, we had a night that was hot until the sun rose. Since then, we have steadily been improving our communications about both of our sexual interests, and things keep getting better. Bringing me back to tonight,

The work day is long because tonight tonight we are having another evening of spicey, wonderful bondage fun. I just got a bunch of new toys off the net, some being my favorites, some being things just for her. We are gonna get the chance to use them tonight, too, after I take her out for a beautiful evening on the town. We can have some drinks, be merry, and afterwords, while she dresses in more "comfortable" attire, I will set the house aglow with candles and we'll wait for the sun to bless us with another beautiful, glowing morning-after.

Yes, my friends, tonight I am once again realizing I am on the other side. I am finally on the other side of an issue that has made me feel uncomfortable and different from the time I was a boy. I can finally look at myself, my interests, my sexuality, and claim them as my own, and say that I am happy in what I do in the bedroom, so fuck anyone who would think differently of me if they knew, and especially fuck those people who go around saying it's an illness. I am normal. I am a manager. I am a nice fucking guy, so deal with it or go back to your hole.

That's my ramblings for now. This is fun, isn't it?