Spring into Action

I am ready for spring. It is well on the way, but the fresh four inches of snow last night was a little discouraging. I am ready to fish and be out on my boat for a few days. Soon enough I guess...

So life has been relatively calm. No tragedy to speak of today, thank gawd. I needed a respite.

I saw the movie V for Vendetta the other day. I liked it a lot. The mask was a bit creepy, but it is a very entertaining movie, and very relavant. It's creepy to watch as an American. Creepy because it's so true. Just watch our news any day of the week. Our news is always the bad news, or else good news that is completely irrelevent (Cat falls from tree, runs away, soon reunited with owner). Why don't we ever hear news about the advances in research to combat AIDS? What about steps forward in protecting the environment? How about people giving their lives to good causes? None of this is ever shown, because if we start giving these things attention, for one things, we'll keep giving them attention and might actually start helping those causes ourselves (who knows how much money and public attention would be lost if we all started picking which issues were important to us?). The other problem with an honest media would be that many of the corrupt systems we have in our government would be exposed. Look at the drug war. How is it that the American public still believes that marajuana is a dangerours narcotic? And please tell me who it is that believes fighting an expensive war on drugs, jailing those who possess small amounts of these substances and treating them like violent criminals is doing anyone any good. Just imagine a world in which a cop comes across a struggling junky on the street, and decides to help him out rather than knock him on the head and jail him for a year. I'll tell you one place where it works: Amsterdam. You can tell by spending only a week there what a difference law is. When you eliminate the petty bullshit from your law and make only serious crimes illegal, suddenly police become protectors, people who can be trusted and looked at as heros. Here in America, the cops are simply power hungry brats who don't want to put all the effort into busting smart criminals, so they stick with being a public annoyance. "Hey, there's an 18 year old with a beer, let's arrest him and throw the book at him!" Way to use our tax dollars and policemens' time. Fuck that.

Anyhow, my rant has come to an end. I hope at some point we, as a country, can get on top of the ball. We are all being stifled, and that sucks when you are the country with some of the highest potential for good in the world.

Check Yourself

I just have to make sure I have myself in check here...

With all of the insanity and seemingly negative periods with the lil' lady, I need to be sure that I am not just dragging on a relationship that is hurting us both all because I'm afraid to be alone. What good does that do anyone?

Things I love- her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her energy, her love (of all things), when she actually puts away her baggage and just acts sexy, when she wants to try new things...

Things I hate- when she gets really pissed over very small things, when she gets pissed immediately when trying something new just because she's not great at it immediately, when she gets frusterated and mad before every road trip because if we're 2 minutes late it's a sign that the whole trip will be horrible, when she puts herself down, when she thinks my friends and family hate her (always due to her own insecurities about herself), when she gets pissed at me for not initiating sex more often, even though I swear one out of four times I end up getting hurt.

That last one needs some thought. I tell her that anytime she wants to make love, I am down, especially if it includes a little kinkiness. 99% of the time that's true. I am a guy, after all. However, she wants me to initiate sex more, and 25% of the time I end up getting anything from "not right now" to a full blown rejection. Does it not make sense for her to simply come to me when she's in the mood, and we can avoid this ugly scene. Nobody wants to feel rejected, especially not by their own lover, and I carry with me my own insecurities about my sexuality that make that rejection that much harder on me. This frusterates me. She says I never initiate sex, and she says we hardly ever make love anymore, yet she does not initiate it either, and she tell me no sometimes when I try. Fuck. Put another notch on the ol' knockin' me around stick.

Well, I got nowhere, but I got to vent I guess. She was in a bad mood this morning, but I guess about 60% of the time she gets pissed in the morning. Put that one on the bad list too. I hope other people are getting along a bit smoother with their days. Peace all.

It feels good to get an early start on the morning. It means I can take a break later without any guilt at all. What a wonderful thing.

I can't wait to be done with April. I just had to put $1,000 into my truck, I owe a butt load of taxes, and I am feeling super strapped for money right now. Add that to my meloncholy from a long winter and a crippled sex life, and I am officially about ready to scream. Last night I once again had a poor sexual encounter with the lil' lady.

I knew she had been in a bad mood for various reasons, and I thought to cheer her up I could fill the bedroom with lighted insence and candles, set the mood, ya know, and then I layed out some of her favorite restraints and left everything looking very sexy and nice. I then closed the bedroom door and waited for her to stumble onto the scene so I could surprise her and hopefully lay to rest a dreary day. Well here's the play by play:

She walks in the room, does not even pause when she opens the door, goes through, puts some dirty clothes away, and then walks back out without saying a word. I then go over and try to give a hug, which is resisted, and so I tell her I'm sorry if the timing was poor, I just thought if she was in a bad mood maybe I could surprise her and make her feel better in my own little way. Her reply: I am in a bad mood, and I can't just snap out of it.

I blew out the candles, put out the insence, put things away, and ended the night watching TV.

Fuck.

Maybe my timing really was poor. I knew that what she was mad about was not a major thing, but I also knew that lately she has had some trouble letting things go. I have tried to tell her that sometimes you just have to laugh at the little bad things that happen to you in life, because if you let them get you down, it's good for nobody. I don't know if she has listened to me at all or not. All I know is that last night made me feel like a genuine ass, and now I am once again confronted with all doubts about what the hell is going on here.

Anyhow, fuck it all, right? Who am I to be bitching. Women wonder why when us guys go fishing we fish from dusk until dawn, as often as we can, and don't necessarily miss the normal home life. Fuck that, just me and the fish, that's when things are truly peaceful. I will soon enough escape to my boat. Maybe avoiding this stuff will do no good, but I need a little peace of fuckiing mind, before I freak out. Am I being short sided?

BTW- not that anybody reads this rant, but if you choose to leave a comment, please know that anything being perceived as SPAM will be immediately erased. Peace.

Never Soon Enough

A Note from the Other Side of Winter:

Finally, it's beginning to feel like spring. It still snows, but only inches and not feet at a time. It gets above freezing during the days, and does not always drop below zero at night. I am ready for it. Winter was long and cold. A lot happened. I am ready for this change of seasons, as ready as I could ever be. I look forward to long warm days in my fishing boat and late, sunlit evenings with instruments and friends. No more being couped up inside. It's time for us snowy-hermits to escape to the outer world, to again feel sun on our bellies and jump into streams...

Of course, the ground is still covered with snow, and mud season will be a mess. Soon enough, however, summer will be upon us. I will be happy, and will celebrate with some drinking and fishing, against the will of the state! Hah!

The Dude Abides

Alcohol education classes are no fun. Why do I have to go to them? It's because I got busted for drinking while fishing. I had to serve a night in jail, had 3 court dates and one hearing with the DMV, and after getting my paperwork lost and confused on two different occasions, and almost sending me to jail for it both times, I am now sentenced to alchol education and therapy until September. This is all because I did not turn my lights on immediately when the sun set, and a ranger got mad and called the cops. Man, talk about getting fucked. There was no accident, no swirving, no public nuisance. Just me and my friends sitting on the dock after a long day of fishing, and a ranger who is bored. Now I am paying dearly. I have lost so much faith in our legal system it almost hurts. I can understand why drinking in a boat could be dangerous, but to sentence me to more punishment than most DUI drivers get, for driving a very small fishing boat about 1 mph, something is not right. Somebody is not trying to provide justice. Somebody is turning a blind eye to what's right and wrong, instead only to follow the cryptic language of a law to the letter, without any consideration to what happened. Ugh, I guess I can believe it. Look at our laws against marajuana. Silly really.

Ok, I did it. I wrote again. Still nobody reads. That's ok, I would skip over my blog too. But if anybody does read this some day, take comfort in the fact that you may learn something, anything, along the way.

Back in the Saddle Again

A new stab at it. That's what I thought I'd try. I had all but given up on blogging. I just couldn't sit back and write about all the shit anymore. I didn't want to just look at it and assess it. I needed to try and change some things. Oh god, life has been a whirlwind.

I have not moved again, I'm still in the mountains, I am still working the same job, and things are still as unstable and crazy as always. The troublesome "new" dog is gone. We found her a new owner several months ago, and she is very happy with this couple apparently. Thank god, I was over her. Winter has been particularly cold, and I am definately ready for some thawing and fishing soon. I have been reorganizing my tackle box in anticipation. Skiing is fun, and keeping me in shape. The usual shit...

Sex life is limping along a bit, but not unfixable. Why do I feel so distracted sometimes? You know what part of the problem is? I have these things that I love to involve in the bedroom, and while I have accepted them within myself, I can't seem to make myself try these things on the lil' lady for fear of embarressment. Unfortunatley, we have had a couple of situations in which she said something or acted in a way that really poured salt in my insecurity-about-my-sexuality wound, and it tripped the "I will never do this again" flag. It has happened several times, and while each time I have managed to bounce back and get back to where we were when we left off, I have trouble lifting our alternative lovelife to any further level due to a complete lack of energy. I want it and would love it, but I feel like the only reason the ll' lady lets me tie her up is because she knows I like it. I know she thinks parts of it are fun, but I don't know that she can feel the same intensity that I do. Can a person who was not born kinky ever find themself into bondage? Hell if I know, that's a big question...

Ok, I'm out of typing energy. Maybe I'll post a few stories soon. I'll have to see if I can get back on the blogwagon. Peace.