Check Yourself

I just have to make sure I have myself in check here...

With all of the insanity and seemingly negative periods with the lil' lady, I need to be sure that I am not just dragging on a relationship that is hurting us both all because I'm afraid to be alone. What good does that do anyone?

Things I love- her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her energy, her love (of all things), when she actually puts away her baggage and just acts sexy, when she wants to try new things...

Things I hate- when she gets really pissed over very small things, when she gets pissed immediately when trying something new just because she's not great at it immediately, when she gets frusterated and mad before every road trip because if we're 2 minutes late it's a sign that the whole trip will be horrible, when she puts herself down, when she thinks my friends and family hate her (always due to her own insecurities about herself), when she gets pissed at me for not initiating sex more often, even though I swear one out of four times I end up getting hurt.

That last one needs some thought. I tell her that anytime she wants to make love, I am down, especially if it includes a little kinkiness. 99% of the time that's true. I am a guy, after all. However, she wants me to initiate sex more, and 25% of the time I end up getting anything from "not right now" to a full blown rejection. Does it not make sense for her to simply come to me when she's in the mood, and we can avoid this ugly scene. Nobody wants to feel rejected, especially not by their own lover, and I carry with me my own insecurities about my sexuality that make that rejection that much harder on me. This frusterates me. She says I never initiate sex, and she says we hardly ever make love anymore, yet she does not initiate it either, and she tell me no sometimes when I try. Fuck. Put another notch on the ol' knockin' me around stick.

Well, I got nowhere, but I got to vent I guess. She was in a bad mood this morning, but I guess about 60% of the time she gets pissed in the morning. Put that one on the bad list too. I hope other people are getting along a bit smoother with their days. Peace all.