Going Crazy?

Fuck. That's all I can say. I got out of town for the weekend to go fishing. I went out and had a wonderful time, and the lil' mamma stayed back home to participate in some festivities going on around our town. We both had a great time. Seemed like all was well. Then I got home...

I ask her about how her weekend was. She excitedly explains about how much fun she had with her friends on both days, and how they made a huge dinner together and just had so much fun. Then she asks me how my trip was. I tell her I had a great time as well, and that I really needed to get out of town. She then begins to tell me that while I was gone she was missing me and thinking about how much fun it would have been if I had been around. I tell her I'm sure it would have been a good time, it certainly sounds like it. She tells me I suck for leaving.

Stage 2. I ask her why I suck, and she says because I always just want to go fishing before everything else. I tell her that this was my first big trip of the year, and that I had seen all of the festivities before. I really just needed to go fishing. She says that she must be stupid for wanting to enjoy the festivities, as is certainly evident by the way a good friend of mine "put her in her place" the other day. I ask what she is talking about. She sais is was explained to her that once you have lived around here for a few years, the festivities are not as exciting and a lot of people just want to get out of town. She took this to mean that she was a naive little newcomer, and took it as an insult.

At this point we began fighting, my points being that she seems to get mad a lot when I leave and go fishing, and that I do need some time in my life to fish, as it is one of my passions. She argued back that I never want to do anything but fish, that I never make plans with her, that she thinks I won't do anything at all with her this summer because she thinks I will seize every free moment to fish. The fight escalates until we both pass out from exhaustion, and wake up mad. Fuck.

How did this happen? I spend 6 hours in the car dreaming of coming home and laughing and talking about our weekends. I pictured goofing around and kissing. I pictured a beautiful, restful evening. Instead, it could not have been any more stressful, we screamed and fought, went to bed mad, woke up mad, and I don't think either of us has a clue what to do to resolve this. I feel like I would just like for the lil' mamma to relax about the fact that from time to time I am going to want to fish when she doesn't, and it's ok for her to be alone or with just friends for the night. She has some serious seperation anxiety, and doesn't like it when I am not with her. She was even a little mad that I didn't call on Saturday night, even though I was in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. To her, I think it is something that would be worth driving around for an hour with the cell phone to call home and say goodnight. But that sucks. I'm camping.

I am not sure exactly what she needs from me. Confirmation that I will indeed do things besides fish this summer? I tried to tell her that, and she just yelled back that I shouldn't even bother. I told her that I want to spend time with her, that there are many things I love to do and we will get to do all of them. She tells me that she doesn't want to be the thing that keeps me from doing the things I want to do. I tell her that I do the things I want to do, and that every once in a while that may include fishing when she doesn't want to come. She doesn't believe me.

Fuck. That's all I have to say. I hope this one doesn't drag on for too long, I got hardly any rest, I am completely exhausted, and work hasn't even started on Monday morning yet. God I hope this whole week doesn't go like this. I can't take it. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I guess one of my anxieties is that I feel like the lil' mamma is becoming really dependent on me. When we met, she was one of the most independent people that I knew, aside from myself. As we began our relationship, there were some immediate signs that she did not like when I did things without her, but in other ways she seemed the opposite. We are both in complete agreement that getting married early in life is a poor idea, because when you are young you have to live and not be committed to one path for the rest of your life. How does this work when you can't leave the other person's side?

Fuck. I'm outta here.