A Man's Home Should Be His Castle

Goddamnit! I fucking hate it when I get shit for the way I run the house. The lil' lady is fucking crazed about keeping everything so fucking neat and tidy, and if I don't catch right on and do it with her, she gets all pissed and gives me hell for not helping her scrub the clean floors. And just who is it that cooks the meals around here? It's me! What the fuck. I just have a lot of shit that is held in right now, and it's doing me no good. She gives me shit because she buys groceries more often, yet I let her live in the house rent free, without even helping with utility bills. She gives me hell for getting tired early at night when, unlike her, I work 5 days a week, I get up earlier ever day, and don't have time to take any naps. I think I might need a break from my own house. Stop riding me, goddamnit!

Over the Hill

Time to update the blog. I don't know why I have any attachment to this worthless online journal what-so-ever, but something in me reminds me that it is time to post my thoughts every once in a while. The summer is drawing to a close, which means another long winter in fast on the way. I do, in some ways, look forward to the snow and winter activities, but for the most part I find that winter lasts far too long and I would not mind having at least 30 more days of summer. Oh well, I chose to live here, I can't bitch about it.

Life has entered the drone of the coming and going of every day chores. I work, I feed the animals, I water the plants, and soon the day is gone and I am once again waking up in my bed, thinking of the coming day's activities. Friends of mine still discuss the wanderlust of youth, how they don't want to be tied down just yet, how this is the time to be travelling the world as a nomad. Well, maybe it's just the Virgo in me, but I see plenty of time ahead to explore, and I feel I do need to continue to plug away at what I am doing now in order to hopefully make my future a little more secure and simple. I would rather travel leisurely in my middle age than finish my travelling then and have to work my ass off as a 50 year old man. Of course, who's to say I'll see 50? Morbid yes, but certainly not impossible.

Yes, in case anyone hadn't guessed, I just had a birthday, and for the life of me, I can't figure out how I fall into these predictable patterns, like becoming all sentimental and reflective on my birthday. Does the realization that we now introduce ourselves as a year older actually become so prominent today? I mean, every day we get older, why does it have to be the birthdays that become the anxious event? We humans just need to be able to mark out everything on a calendar.

So what am I going to do with my life? Well, I continue to fish a lot and hopefully I can continue to live a fulfilled realtionship with the lil' lady. Things have gotten a bit better with us again lately, the ebb and flow of the tide of love I guess. Also the ebb and flow of other stresses in our lives. We are both at a relatively calm point in our lives right now, and that helps in all other aspects of life. Communication opens, energy levels rise, and we are just generally more perky. I say that calmed down in the way to be.

Anyway, I have now updated this silly thing, and maybe my addiction to online gut-spilling will be satisfied for longer. As always, I ask myself, should I try to get this blog rolling as a public-viewing forum? Maybe in the future I will advertise a bit. Until then, tight lines all, and may your fish find their way into your nets.

My Inner Fish

Back to the blog. Why? Nobody reads this blog, as it has been neglected. I have not been updating it regularly, and it does not belong to any websites to advertise it. Why would I want someone reading this? I dunno. Maybe for the feedback. Maybe so my typing doesn't feel so futile. Something in me always gets a little excited when I check for comments, and the only comments are always spam. Ha! Thus is my life.

Well, I didn't really sign in with any specific topic to mind. Usually when I write in here, it's because I have become frusterated with an aspect of life and need to vent. Well, there certainly are some of those: taxes drain my bank account every time I get my feet under me; the lil' lady and I have not had much kink in our sexlife; the animals are always looking for a new way to destroy the house; i wish i had one day more freetime during the week just to get shit done. I have not been fishing in well over a week, which, for me, is not a good sign. I gotta go this weekend. I need to find someone to fish with... A fishing buddy.

You know, I think I have mentioned it before, but you can tell a lot about people by their fishing behavior. Some people finally let their guard down and relax. Other normally laid-back people find themselves alert as ever, watching the rod tip for the slightest sign of movement, always ready at any moment to grab the rod and draw in the prize. I have one friend, one of the most thoughtful and caring people in the world, that for some reason takes the weeds that he cleans off of his hook, and never fails to deposit them in the bottom of my boat. The boat is small, and it would take zero effort to get that mess back into the water, but for some reason he always drops it into the boat. Another friend, a cool, calculated character, stays very calm yet very alert. He checks the line with the keen eye of a veteran, and he always accomplishes what needs to be done to get the lines in the water with minimal assisstance. Yet somehow, no matter how many times he watches me grab a rod when the fish strikes and simply begin the spider-like process of drawing the fish in, when his rod bumps and grabs it and gives it about 3 yanks hard enough to pull the fish's head off. You don't really need to set the hook when you are trolling, yet for some reason this nasty yank always occurs, and it makes me wonder about his inner tensions.

You can always tell the real fisherman because of their smoothness, their calm even during the strike, the effortless way they find the fish and bring a few in. Real fisherman don't need to brag about the big one, because they usually know just what to do to get into them, and they make you look stupid for not catching fish yourself. It is not a competition thing, it's a level of awareness, being in tune with what is happening in the aquatic world. Some people worm a hook and drop it in water, expecting fish to be there. Others carefully scan the banks, the bottom, the weather; they note the water color and temperature, and look for any sign of life, not just fish, in the water; they look at the birds in the sky, the insects in the air; and once they have taken into account all that their 5 senses can tell them about this body of water, they then follow their guts right out to the place where the fish are.

Sometimes I find that I can feel when they are near. I may not have caught one all day, and just as I go to reel in my line something tells me to leave it out for 5 more minutes. Often times this is when the fish bite. You have to have your line in the water to catch them, and sometimes it all comes down to patience.

Maybe I should bring this patience into more aspects of my life. It could probably do me some good.

Going Crazy?

Fuck. That's all I can say. I got out of town for the weekend to go fishing. I went out and had a wonderful time, and the lil' mamma stayed back home to participate in some festivities going on around our town. We both had a great time. Seemed like all was well. Then I got home...

I ask her about how her weekend was. She excitedly explains about how much fun she had with her friends on both days, and how they made a huge dinner together and just had so much fun. Then she asks me how my trip was. I tell her I had a great time as well, and that I really needed to get out of town. She then begins to tell me that while I was gone she was missing me and thinking about how much fun it would have been if I had been around. I tell her I'm sure it would have been a good time, it certainly sounds like it. She tells me I suck for leaving.

Stage 2. I ask her why I suck, and she says because I always just want to go fishing before everything else. I tell her that this was my first big trip of the year, and that I had seen all of the festivities before. I really just needed to go fishing. She says that she must be stupid for wanting to enjoy the festivities, as is certainly evident by the way a good friend of mine "put her in her place" the other day. I ask what she is talking about. She sais is was explained to her that once you have lived around here for a few years, the festivities are not as exciting and a lot of people just want to get out of town. She took this to mean that she was a naive little newcomer, and took it as an insult.

At this point we began fighting, my points being that she seems to get mad a lot when I leave and go fishing, and that I do need some time in my life to fish, as it is one of my passions. She argued back that I never want to do anything but fish, that I never make plans with her, that she thinks I won't do anything at all with her this summer because she thinks I will seize every free moment to fish. The fight escalates until we both pass out from exhaustion, and wake up mad. Fuck.

How did this happen? I spend 6 hours in the car dreaming of coming home and laughing and talking about our weekends. I pictured goofing around and kissing. I pictured a beautiful, restful evening. Instead, it could not have been any more stressful, we screamed and fought, went to bed mad, woke up mad, and I don't think either of us has a clue what to do to resolve this. I feel like I would just like for the lil' mamma to relax about the fact that from time to time I am going to want to fish when she doesn't, and it's ok for her to be alone or with just friends for the night. She has some serious seperation anxiety, and doesn't like it when I am not with her. She was even a little mad that I didn't call on Saturday night, even though I was in the middle of nowhere with no cell service. To her, I think it is something that would be worth driving around for an hour with the cell phone to call home and say goodnight. But that sucks. I'm camping.

I am not sure exactly what she needs from me. Confirmation that I will indeed do things besides fish this summer? I tried to tell her that, and she just yelled back that I shouldn't even bother. I told her that I want to spend time with her, that there are many things I love to do and we will get to do all of them. She tells me that she doesn't want to be the thing that keeps me from doing the things I want to do. I tell her that I do the things I want to do, and that every once in a while that may include fishing when she doesn't want to come. She doesn't believe me.

Fuck. That's all I have to say. I hope this one doesn't drag on for too long, I got hardly any rest, I am completely exhausted, and work hasn't even started on Monday morning yet. God I hope this whole week doesn't go like this. I can't take it. I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I guess one of my anxieties is that I feel like the lil' mamma is becoming really dependent on me. When we met, she was one of the most independent people that I knew, aside from myself. As we began our relationship, there were some immediate signs that she did not like when I did things without her, but in other ways she seemed the opposite. We are both in complete agreement that getting married early in life is a poor idea, because when you are young you have to live and not be committed to one path for the rest of your life. How does this work when you can't leave the other person's side?

Fuck. I'm outta here.

Spring into Action

I am ready for spring. It is well on the way, but the fresh four inches of snow last night was a little discouraging. I am ready to fish and be out on my boat for a few days. Soon enough I guess...

So life has been relatively calm. No tragedy to speak of today, thank gawd. I needed a respite.

I saw the movie V for Vendetta the other day. I liked it a lot. The mask was a bit creepy, but it is a very entertaining movie, and very relavant. It's creepy to watch as an American. Creepy because it's so true. Just watch our news any day of the week. Our news is always the bad news, or else good news that is completely irrelevent (Cat falls from tree, runs away, soon reunited with owner). Why don't we ever hear news about the advances in research to combat AIDS? What about steps forward in protecting the environment? How about people giving their lives to good causes? None of this is ever shown, because if we start giving these things attention, for one things, we'll keep giving them attention and might actually start helping those causes ourselves (who knows how much money and public attention would be lost if we all started picking which issues were important to us?). The other problem with an honest media would be that many of the corrupt systems we have in our government would be exposed. Look at the drug war. How is it that the American public still believes that marajuana is a dangerours narcotic? And please tell me who it is that believes fighting an expensive war on drugs, jailing those who possess small amounts of these substances and treating them like violent criminals is doing anyone any good. Just imagine a world in which a cop comes across a struggling junky on the street, and decides to help him out rather than knock him on the head and jail him for a year. I'll tell you one place where it works: Amsterdam. You can tell by spending only a week there what a difference law is. When you eliminate the petty bullshit from your law and make only serious crimes illegal, suddenly police become protectors, people who can be trusted and looked at as heros. Here in America, the cops are simply power hungry brats who don't want to put all the effort into busting smart criminals, so they stick with being a public annoyance. "Hey, there's an 18 year old with a beer, let's arrest him and throw the book at him!" Way to use our tax dollars and policemens' time. Fuck that.

Anyhow, my rant has come to an end. I hope at some point we, as a country, can get on top of the ball. We are all being stifled, and that sucks when you are the country with some of the highest potential for good in the world.

Check Yourself

I just have to make sure I have myself in check here...

With all of the insanity and seemingly negative periods with the lil' lady, I need to be sure that I am not just dragging on a relationship that is hurting us both all because I'm afraid to be alone. What good does that do anyone?

Things I love- her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her energy, her love (of all things), when she actually puts away her baggage and just acts sexy, when she wants to try new things...

Things I hate- when she gets really pissed over very small things, when she gets pissed immediately when trying something new just because she's not great at it immediately, when she gets frusterated and mad before every road trip because if we're 2 minutes late it's a sign that the whole trip will be horrible, when she puts herself down, when she thinks my friends and family hate her (always due to her own insecurities about herself), when she gets pissed at me for not initiating sex more often, even though I swear one out of four times I end up getting hurt.

That last one needs some thought. I tell her that anytime she wants to make love, I am down, especially if it includes a little kinkiness. 99% of the time that's true. I am a guy, after all. However, she wants me to initiate sex more, and 25% of the time I end up getting anything from "not right now" to a full blown rejection. Does it not make sense for her to simply come to me when she's in the mood, and we can avoid this ugly scene. Nobody wants to feel rejected, especially not by their own lover, and I carry with me my own insecurities about my sexuality that make that rejection that much harder on me. This frusterates me. She says I never initiate sex, and she says we hardly ever make love anymore, yet she does not initiate it either, and she tell me no sometimes when I try. Fuck. Put another notch on the ol' knockin' me around stick.

Well, I got nowhere, but I got to vent I guess. She was in a bad mood this morning, but I guess about 60% of the time she gets pissed in the morning. Put that one on the bad list too. I hope other people are getting along a bit smoother with their days. Peace all.

It feels good to get an early start on the morning. It means I can take a break later without any guilt at all. What a wonderful thing.

I can't wait to be done with April. I just had to put $1,000 into my truck, I owe a butt load of taxes, and I am feeling super strapped for money right now. Add that to my meloncholy from a long winter and a crippled sex life, and I am officially about ready to scream. Last night I once again had a poor sexual encounter with the lil' lady.

I knew she had been in a bad mood for various reasons, and I thought to cheer her up I could fill the bedroom with lighted insence and candles, set the mood, ya know, and then I layed out some of her favorite restraints and left everything looking very sexy and nice. I then closed the bedroom door and waited for her to stumble onto the scene so I could surprise her and hopefully lay to rest a dreary day. Well here's the play by play:

She walks in the room, does not even pause when she opens the door, goes through, puts some dirty clothes away, and then walks back out without saying a word. I then go over and try to give a hug, which is resisted, and so I tell her I'm sorry if the timing was poor, I just thought if she was in a bad mood maybe I could surprise her and make her feel better in my own little way. Her reply: I am in a bad mood, and I can't just snap out of it.

I blew out the candles, put out the insence, put things away, and ended the night watching TV.

Fuck.

Maybe my timing really was poor. I knew that what she was mad about was not a major thing, but I also knew that lately she has had some trouble letting things go. I have tried to tell her that sometimes you just have to laugh at the little bad things that happen to you in life, because if you let them get you down, it's good for nobody. I don't know if she has listened to me at all or not. All I know is that last night made me feel like a genuine ass, and now I am once again confronted with all doubts about what the hell is going on here.

Anyhow, fuck it all, right? Who am I to be bitching. Women wonder why when us guys go fishing we fish from dusk until dawn, as often as we can, and don't necessarily miss the normal home life. Fuck that, just me and the fish, that's when things are truly peaceful. I will soon enough escape to my boat. Maybe avoiding this stuff will do no good, but I need a little peace of fuckiing mind, before I freak out. Am I being short sided?

BTW- not that anybody reads this rant, but if you choose to leave a comment, please know that anything being perceived as SPAM will be immediately erased. Peace.

Never Soon Enough

A Note from the Other Side of Winter:

Finally, it's beginning to feel like spring. It still snows, but only inches and not feet at a time. It gets above freezing during the days, and does not always drop below zero at night. I am ready for it. Winter was long and cold. A lot happened. I am ready for this change of seasons, as ready as I could ever be. I look forward to long warm days in my fishing boat and late, sunlit evenings with instruments and friends. No more being couped up inside. It's time for us snowy-hermits to escape to the outer world, to again feel sun on our bellies and jump into streams...

Of course, the ground is still covered with snow, and mud season will be a mess. Soon enough, however, summer will be upon us. I will be happy, and will celebrate with some drinking and fishing, against the will of the state! Hah!