Word For the Day: STRESS

I can't take this shit. I am now in the middle of trying to figure out how the hell I would move to a new house and new job with a girlfriend who has to do the same and lots of pets. I have no idea if this is going to work, yet work is of course chomping at the bit to know if I am staying with them. Now I get a call from the enraged girlfriend that our phone went over the minutes this month and it's my fault because I was in charge of switching the phones over. When it rains, it pours folks. I need to just go running, like Forrest Gump, and run from coast to fucking coast until I feel like my head is clear again. This is madness. How can anybody live like this? My insides are twisting with stress, my muscles are cramping, I can't get good sleep, and all the while I am trying to put on a happy face while my job kicks my ass and I come home to a girlfriend who is so stressed out she ends up having a fit almost every night. What the hell is going on? I thought life was about to calm down, I thought I was going to get to settle down a little. Fuck it all. I can't see straight anymore. Something will be figured out soon, I will keep you all posted soon. In some ways, I wish I was looking in from the outside on this one. Peace.

Take the Reins, My Son!

I did it! I passed on a letter to my boss saying I am considering another job. So far, I have not heard a reply, but whatever, I did it! It feels good to step in and take control over major aspects of your life. Damn, this is really something unexpected, but I am glad I did not just let the ooportunity go. I need to fully look into this one, it may just be they way to a happier life. Now I just need to relax a little and try to keep a clear head. Wow, I feel like I have some momentum rolling here.

The Times They Are A' Changin'

Life has taken another turn, and once again I am sent falling into a vast pit of confusion about what direction to take with my life. Just as I have begun to settle in to my new management position, a new job opportunity has reared it's trouble-laiden head. Basically, I am now looking at the chance to work from a home office, and make a bit more money than I am now. The catch is that not only would I have to relocate, but it would have to be in the next month or so. This came out of left field, and now I don't know what to do. This all seems to be happening aweful fast. Aren't college grads supposed to starve for a while after graduating? What's up with having to make career choices?

So now, I have to ask myself, am I ready to just pack up unexpectedly and move my whole life to a new location? It's a wonderful place actually, yet another perk. It just seems rushed. I hate to miss an opportunity, and if I don't jump on this one it is going away for good. I have about 3 days to decide, really. Wow, as if my life didn't have enough going on. However, maybe this is a chance for a change that was desperately needed. Making these kinds of decisions can take its toll. I need sleep and a day of quiet time right now. However, I don't think I am going to get either.

So life continues to move along, crushing all who stray into it's path. This is what it's all about though. Live life like you only get to do it once. If you see an incredible opportunity, don't let it slip by just to regret it later. Maybe it's time for a change. Maybe my turn in this place is coming to an end. Time to turn the page to another chapter? Well, for anybody out there reading this, that is precisely what it will be. I will keep you posted.

Summertime Blues

Man, it is summer and I am feeling way stressed. In some ways, I understand what is going on and know it will get better. In others, I don't know why I feel so distraught at times.

Part of my stress is residual stress from the transition into my new job. I am still wondering if I am doing a good enough job, if they want to keep me on, if there is something that I am overlooking. I also wonder if this job is suited for me, if I wouldn't be happier doing something else right now. It's hard, because I know a lot of people my age that are working their ass off in the hot sun every day, doing miserable tasks and just plugging through life. I have worked manual labor my whole life, and I am happy that I do not have to tolerate the muscle pain and sunburn right now.

I guess I just have a fantastic view of how work should be. Karl Marx spoke of how the laborer in the capitalist system becomes alienated from his or her work. People used to make their goods by hand, taking their time and taking pride from their work. You used to feel closely associated with what you did. Your job was what you were. You could be a blacksmith, a cobbler, or a banker. Now jobs are so specialized that we have become seperated from our labor. Oftentimes, people creating things (like people on an assembly line) may not even know what the part that they make goes to, let alone take pride in the final product. Work is not something we look forward to doing, it's not a source of identity. Instead, it has now become something seperate from our lives. I go to work. I don't enjoy what I do, but the pay is good so I sacrifice the hours of my life for money. I do not love what I do, I am alienated from it.

What do I do? I would gratefully listen to any advice. I know I need to stick with it for now, but I think one of my goals in life is to allign my energy in such a way that I am not spending my days wishing the hours away, waiting for 5:00. It seems ashame to want time to pass more quickly. Time is limited, folks! Get yourself a job that matters to you, that makes you feel good, that you identify with. This is worth more than dying with a large bank account. With that little secret of life, I bid you all good night.

A Beautiful Shade of Moonshadow

You thought something happened, didn't you? I didn't post yesterday, and people got worried. Yeah right, who am I kidding? Nobody reads this regulary. All the same, I read it, and it does worry me that I didn't post. I had the chance, but not motivation. Thus is life. Today, however, I return to the podium!

Tonight is the full moon. What are you going to do? A lot of people do not even notice the moon phase, they just see a full moon every now and again. To me, this event is not one to be ignored. I like to plan a night of adventure on the full moon. It's so nice to go out and do something in the colorless-nightlight that is moonlight. It's really wild. I am thinking fishing might be fun, but a hike would be good too. It's always good to hike to a high place where you can overlook a broad expanse of moonlight covered earth. I like to get high.

I also dig the notorious "moonshadow" (key Cat Stevens). It's amazing, how dark and defined your shadow is at night. It is a good night for flying as well. I have not done that much night flight, but it's a great time to buzz around in a little Cessna and really change your perspective on things. I'll tell you a good time: on the evening of a full moon, jump into a little 2 or 4 seater airplane and take off just as the sun goes down. Fly through the mountains for the next 2 hours or so. I need to plan this little adventure up for my lil mamma, she'd love it.

Well, that is what I had to say for now. I just may be back before the day is through. Lookout, peeps!

How to Adapt at Work

To start this post, I want to relay a rather crazy drive I had on the way from my home to work today. It started when a huge shadow passed over my truck. It was only there for a moment, but I could tell it was a big ol' chopper. It was really pretty cool. I always look out the windows of airplanes and watch the shadows, wondering if the people they briefly shade know what caused it. This was like being on the other side of the spectrum. I knew for sure without even seeing the helicopter what it was. Cool.

Ok, so I am easily amused, but then as I was pondering this, I hear a loud screech coming from behind. A car in the lane next to me had come in going 55 mph and had not noticed that the line of cars was stopped. He locked up the tires and skidded to a complete stop about 4 inches from my neighbor-in-traffic's bumper. My neighbor saw the guy coming, and the look on his face was priceless. Damn, they are both lucky.

So, I continue my 10 minute drive , pondering the previous two incidents, and I notice something else noteworthy. There is a big truck with all the upgrades, cruising along like the king of the road, and in the back window he has this giant So Cal sticker. There he was, proudly flaunting southern Cali, sporting a Wyoming license plate. You go cowboy, ride that bull.

So I have been thinking lately, as I have been known to do on occasion, and I think I need to start meeting more of the people that work in my office building. I am sort of a hermit. I do my job, I get up when I need to pee or walk around, but I really don't wander and socialize. I am very friendly to everyone, but I don't really know that many people. I am going to start meeting these folks, I want to know what the heck is going on in this building. I will keep you all posted.

So that's it for me. I am going to find something fun to do for the evening.

Communicatory Gender Boundaries?

Miscommunication. Now this is a subject worth writing about. I'll tell you about this phenomenon. It takes place more often than you think. In fact, I wonder if anybody actually understands anything you say the way you meant it. I would be willing to bet we are all making gross misinterpretations, but that is not what concerns me right now.

Today, I am thinking of the miscommunications that can happen and make life messy. I am talking about when your girlfriend says you can go fishing, but actually means no, but you go anyway because you thought she meant yes. I am talking about trying to cancel a cell phone at the end of the month, but the heavily accented tele-technician on the other end turns it off that instant, making your phone number of over a year suddenly worthless, all the while nobody was informed it was changing. I am talking about the night the girlfriend said she was going out for a drink, and at 5 am that morning, after I spent the night frantically calling all over town, including the police, trying to figure out what happened, and she comes stumbling in the door drunk and unable to remember what all happened.

Miscommunication is not always fun, though it can offer some humor. I myself could go without this terrible form of argument-starter. What gives? Why is it that somebody who knows me better than anybody else in the world can still misread me so greatly at times. I would almost even ask the ranting question "why can't I figure out what the hell she is trying to tell me before she gets mad that I didn't catch on?", but that question has been answered by the age old tradition of women not saying what they want, but trying to hint at it enough that us men will come to the conclusion without the need of blatant hand-holding.

Women: hold your man's hand! We cannot decipher these puzzles. You need to tell us what the fuck you want! If you want us to stay home and have a nice evening alone with you tonight, say that, do not say (with a sarcastic undertone)"Sure, I don't see why you wouldn't just go fishing tonight!" This does not say to a man that he shouldn't go fishing. This is pretty much saying yes to us. We need you to but things bluntly. "No honey, put that rod down. You are to go into the bedroom and put on clothing that does not smell like it came from the bowls of a bass. We will then go out and you can treat me to a nice dinner and a few drinks, and afterwards we can come home, you can tie me to the bed, gag me, and we will make ferocious love until we either pass out or go outside to watch the sunrise!" Now that says to me, the lil lady would like it if I don't fish tonight.

Tell us what you want! Say the words! If you are unsure of exactly what you want, don't pass the puzzle on to your man. A guy will only make a mess of this. Make it simple and clear, this is how we communicate. We are not good interpretors of emotional language, and the saying yes but meaning no stuff is like saying to a dog in the friendliest voice you can muster, "Bad dog!" It doesn't get the message across.

Having said that, I will now go back to trying to figure out what I should have done differently the last time...

Other Side of the Weekend

Oh Monday. What can I say? The weekend was nice in many ways, typically hard in others. Saturday was spent on a lake in the boat. I had company in town, and the lil mamma, myself, and our friends all went out and escaped the heat through jumping in the water and whatnot. I caught a nice fish, and even had all the witnesses to prove it. We all drank beer and eventually found our way home and to bed. Suday was a typical lazy Sunday. Plans were made and cancelled, and I ended up going to a BBQ for the evening. It was fun and I met some good folks.

The hard part of the day came when I was trying to do good. We just use a cell as our house phone, and our old one has been messing up on us. It doesn't always ring and it just sucks. We got a new phone, and upon being reminded, I finally called to cancel the old one. Well, after a long and thouroughly confusing conversation with computers and heavily-accented people, I managed to get the phone cancelled. Unfortunately, I wanted the phone to be on until the end of the month, and through my confusion it got cancelled immediately. The lil mamma is expecting phone calls about jobs this week, there is no forwarding number when you call the old phone, I can't get ahold of a fucking person if I don't have an active account with that company, and I am going to freak out! WTF? Why does this shit keep happenning. I have enough to deal with. My plate is full.

I just keep carrying on.


"Sometimes it seems like such a hard time,
But there's good times around the bend...
Roller coaster's got to roll to the bottom,
If you want to climb to the top again." -SCI

On a positive note, I had some good sex last night. I was needing that.

Happy Monday folks.

Here's to our ancestors

What the fuck did I do to deserve all of this crazy bullshit in my life? I am a simple, laid back guy, and I live in an unfolding drama of epic proportions. At work I have problems coming in so fast it is all I can do to stay on top of them all. When I slip up and one thing gets delayed, it all crashes down on me and ends up being a stressful situation. I am ok with that, work is stressful, but my issues at home lately are enough to make me even crazier at times. Today my lil mamma had an interview to go to. I stopped by during my lunch break to say good luck and give her a hug. As it ended up, she told me I stressed her out and made her nervous, and she left the house looking upset. Great. What did I do in that one? All I said while at home was that she should not be worried because she is fully fit for this job. What do I know. I should keep my mouth shut.

I don't know what to do. I need a vacation from my life right now. That sounds good. I want to get away, just me, and be swept up in something completely for a couple of weeks. I need a break. I don't get a break, though. I have no plans to even miss a day of work for the rest of the summer. I have already begged and received a week off. Can't expect more.

Why can't I just live in a log cabin and hunt for a living. That's the good life, living from day to day. A paycheck is security, but it secures you to a life of sacrifice, a life lived for others. The sould wants to be free, a person needs free time. Before agriculture, people had much more free time. Days were spent working on crafts and moving slowly about. Now everything is a big god damned hurry, and we have less time than ever for ourselves. Blah! Oh, to be a caveman!

Disagreements

I have no idea what goes through her head at times. She has some hang ups that I can't solve. An example: there has been this issue lately with me disagreeing with her. When somebody offers up an idea to me, I always immediately evaluate what I see as its strengths and weaknesses out loud. Well, the lil mamma has been getting upset and she says I always disagree with her just because it was her idea, and she gets all frusterated. This happened yesterday, and it came out of the blue. We were just talking, like i would with anyone else, and all of the sudden it was like BLAM! "Sure, it's a bad idea just because I mentioned it!" and all of the sudden she is upset. I am not sure whether to blame this one on the raging emotions from her current events, or whether to think she really believes I maliciously put down her ideas. WTF? I am such a laid back guy, what the hell leads her to these types of things?

I think maybe I am just crazy. Maybe I am a shitty boyfriend and just don't realize it. I try really hard to do everything I can to let her know I love her while still maintaining some semblence of a life which is my own. She still sometimes says she feels like I don't treat her like I am in love. It's not all my choice. When she doesn't want to fish from dawn til dusk, I have to go with someone else. Should I feel guilty about this? I could never give up fishing, what's a salty dog to do?

The Real World

Routine is setting in. The new job does not seem as new anymore, and the weeks are flying by. I hate it when time flys and you are not necessarily having any fun. Oh well, that is the essence of life in America, is it not?

Tonight I think I am going to try and fish again. I need to fish. The water is calling to me. I want to be adrift. Soon enough.

The big one always lurks. It's like with anything in life. Imperfection is the norm, but sometimes things just happen so right that it inspires you to keep trying, over and over. I will catch the big one some day, then they will all see. The voices, they will laugh no more!!!!

Seriously though. It is very important in the working world to make time for hobbies. If you just go home and rest each night after work, your life will pass by with too few experiences. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! Do something and make a memory each day! That is how to keep your life long and happy.

With that little secret of life revealed, I will now go. Someday I will figure out how to put a counter in here. I had my first comment yesterday. Makes me wonder how many people might be reading this. It would be interesting to know, eh?

Roller Coaster

Life is crazy right now. Every time I think I know what is going on, life flips on me. What the hell? Example: I got a full time job and stayed in this town because my girlfriend was considering staying in school for a couple more years. I landed a good job, just got into the swing of things, and now I find that school might not be happening, and I now feel that we are still in this town because of the fact I have responsibilities with my job. I mean, I like my town, I even like my house, but now is prime time to make a move, while I am young! Maybe I just have wander lust. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Anyway, aside from my job, life is crazy too. There has been a lot of emotion in our relationship lately because the lil lady is going through a lot right now, and when she gets snappy I don't have a lot of patience due to long days at work. We end up getting pissy, but as of lately we have managed not to let it develope into any big fights.

I am feeling guilty and off balance with my sex life. I recently (within the past 18 months) let my lil mamma in on the darker side of my sexual interests. She took it all very well and even displayed genuine interest in much of it. I am worried I have been moving too fast since then, though. I don't know, I am new to all of this, but I of course am still holding back greatly, because I am super kinky and my fantasies far surpass anything I am willing to just jump in and try out on her. So I go little by little. However, there have been a couple of times, due to her insecurities and my daff hastiness, when I made her feel uncomfortable. I resolved the situations immediately, but the things we were doing were not even a big deal to me. Does this mean I need a person who is themself kinky if I am to be happy? How open minded can a vanilla person be? I mean, my lil mamma likes things like sex in public and oral sex, but she still hesitates with bondage. I am being patient, but sometimes my patience grows thin when it comes to feeling like a freak for something I feel so strongly about. I wish I could just wear a sign and be accepted. How much easier life would be then.

Anyway, it's off to Wonderland for me, have fun kids!

Band Names

These are funny. I may have to use one.

The Little Things

I was just reading a blog (this one), and it got me to thinking. People miss out on all the good things in life. We are blinded by the grandeur of the big, in your face, exciting things in life, and it is only after it is all over that we realize the little details that we miss, even though we may not have consciously noticed them at the time. I think of going on a long vacation, and after it is over you find yourself missing those first couple of moments you spent each day, groggy, sober, so quiet and peaceful, before the craziness of vacation started up again.

I think of missing a person, how suddenly little things like the lines around her eyes, or the food she wouldn't eat become the things you remember most.

I think of sitting on a city street, watching everybody hurry by. If you just sit still for a moment and look, you can see the stillness and beauty that surrounds you, the little corners and shaded places nobody else notices. There is beauty there, and some day I hope to be in tune enough to see this beauty all of the time, this ever present, unending beauty. I don't want to look back and see a life I took for granted. I want to appreciate every moment. This is my life, and I only get one chance to get this one right.

Monday Blahs

This weekend was productive. I got some more veggies going in my garden, and saw some good music. I also went fishing and caught a nice trout. That put me in good spirits.

Today was a very groggy, slow Monday. That's the shits when you are busy. I got my work done and will be capable of mopping up tomorrow, but the day was more painful than necessary. I have to let myself get some more sleep!

The delimma is always the same. A young guy, fresh out of college, now I have my night's completely free but responsibility during the day. What does this mean? As soon as I get off of work, I get this second wind and I want to stay up as late as possible, to capture as much of the day as possible after being stuck in work. However, the next morning, it is so hard to get up and get my brain into the work day, and I have to chug along with minimal energy. I tell myself that I need to relax tonight, but 5:00 comes along, and BAM! Energy! WTF?

We should all work less and spend more time with the finer things in life, the little pleasures. Yeah right, this is America, who am I kidding?

Send 'Em My Way

What a day. Fridays are not supposed to be harder than Mondays, but the anticipation of the weekend combined with the fact that people leave the office early so my phone stops ringing, makes for a slow Friday, especially the afternoon.

My lunch period was spent arguing with the lil lady. I think we finally made some peace before I left, but I definately did not have a break. I came back and one of the guys stopped into my office and said a bunch of people were unsatisfied with a spreadsheet I had been working on. Without going into it, they were mad about the quality of it, and I had already told them all it was a first draft and not to view it as the final document. Well, I spouted all this out at my fellow employee, and he said "Hey man, stay cool, don't stress about it," to which I growled "Yeah, well if there are any more of them with their panties in a wad, send 'em my way!" and left.

That felt good. I normally am the most laid back guy there is, but today I have no more patience. I just gotta avoid decking anyone.

It is interesting that I have been having so much shit going on in my life lately, more than normal for sure, and yet I have been in surprisingly good spirits. Maybe this is all just a test. At any rate, I am just gonna try to keep my head clear and work through each mess one bit at a time. If anybody pushes my buttons, I will make a nice necklace out of their teeth. Have a nice day!

Fishing Blues

Am I truly an insensitive, bumbling ass? Last night I had an argument with the lil lady. She was pissed that I would go out and try to do something while she was feeling miserable. While she had thought earlier in the day it was a good idea for me to go fishing and get away for a few hours, it was not alright by the time I was supposed to leave. I went anyway, and I was in the doghouse all night and all morning. I don't know what to think of these situations. I realize that she is super stressed due to all the craziness in her life right now, but is it alright for her to express that through being angry over all the little things? It's like her brain has been forced into a state of pessimism.

I guess I just don't relate because I try to never treat anybody poorly or say anything mean, unless I think it is a deserved thing. I have had some comments made to me in arguments with her that were quite hurtful, in fact, I think if I would have said something of equal caliber to her, she would have said fuck you and dropped me on the spot. So why don't I? Things seem so good when they are good. We can communicate very well usually, and we get along great. When things get bad, they get equally as bad. I know every relationship has it's ups and downs, as cliche as that sounds, but what happens when you feel like the downs are making themselves present more?

What really makes it difficult is the fact that it is not usually something in our relationship that kicks off the horrible fights. If it were problems we were having between the two of us coming up all the time, that would be one thing. But we have fights over things like something another girl said to me, or the fact we are late.

I feel like she is looking for the negative in all the things I do, and applying this to our relationship. Instead of seeing me going fishing as being a nice break for both of us because life has been so crazy, she sees it as me ditching her, leaving her at home to feel horrible all by herself. Why didn't she tell me when I asked that she didn't want me to go? Because when I asked, it was ok. To top it off, it was my fault things blew up because I guess I should not have called back to check in on her when I knew she was so upset (!?!?!).

I don't know what is happening here. I used to be one of the guys. I drank beer, I fished, I played poker, and I was a rambler. Now I go home from work everyday to spend the evening with the lil lady, I feel guilty leaving her to be by herself (because I know that she hates it), and I don't go out and have guy nights anymore unless I am fishing. Unfortunately, fishing almost always leads to an argument.

Just to put it in perspective, she hates that I go fishing because I am out late and I come home with beer on my breath. However, twice in the past two weeks, she has gone out, promising to come home soon, and both times she stayed out until sunrise, and came home so stumbling drunk she couldn't stand up. To top it all off, both nights I was up all night worried that something happened to her because she didn't even call. I didn't get mad either time. I am too laid back for my own good.

There's no moral to this story today. All I can say is that I know I shouldn't try to understand the wimmin, I always end up guessing wrong.

If Everyone Else Jumped Off A Bridge...

Yes, that's right, I followed the trend and did it too. Here it is:

There are 21 letters in your name.Those 21 letters total to 99There are 9 vowels and 12 consonants in your name.
Your number is: 9
The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.
The expression or destiny for #9:The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.
If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.
Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.
Your Soul Urge number is: 7
A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 4
An Inner Dream number of 4 means: You dream of being a very solid citizen that people can depend upon. You strive for organization and predictable order. You want to be recognized as a person with a plan and the discipline to make that plan work like clockwork.

I would have to say that it rings quite true for me. Weird.

Hard Day's Night

Damn... I got to go fishing, but didn't even have a bite. And we fished hard. Oh well, sometimes you have to pay your dues. My little mamma has been pretty upset about this whole attack thing. It was pretty traumatic for her. I keep saying at least our dog is alright, but she cannot seem to get herself back into a normal headspace. She has so many things on her mind right now, and doesn't know where to start sorting through it all. I can see the position she is in, and can certainly sympathize, but I just feel like she has been so snappy lately it can be hard. Sometimes she says some hurtful things when she is in a rage, and I try my best to just let them roll off my back. If I return that kind of thing, it will only get ugly. What the hell do I know.

So tonight I am in a bit of a stupor. I hope tomorrow is a clearer day. What happened to lazy summer days? This summer has been like a rocket ride to the moon! I need a real break. I don't even know what that means. A break from work? A break from people? A break from myself? I just feel tired.

All for tonight. If anybody stumbles upon this ranting, have yourself a good night, a'ight?

Run, Rabbit Run...

Another work day, come and gone. I am beginning to feel a little drained, I have got to start getting more sleep. I would be fine if I could just catch up on the weekends. Mental note: sleep this weekend, lots.

So I managed to manage everything well enough to stay on track one more day. Tonight I pray that I get to fish. I think I will, I already found a willing accomplace, and I just need to stay out from under the weather. It sure would be nice to boat a few bass tonight. Nothing like that to relieve stress. Not that I am stressed, but wholly shit life has been bending me over a lot lately. I am over the emergencies. I just need some quiet time. Let me have it!

At least I am keeping my head about me. No sense in panicking, life just likes to get a little ass rape-age in every now and again, and this year I have been the chosen bitch. Which is strange, considering I have had excellent luck with many things this year. Big ups and big downs I guess.

So I go, off to the pond, off to the land of sharp hooks and tight lines. I hope the fish are ready for some action. Remember: any time you are fishing it is good fishing. Great fishing is when you actually catch something!

Moving Right Along...

Ok, so the little dog is just fine. He looks like he got chewed on by a pitbull, but all in all he is doing ok. The experience was pretty crazy, and it took until about 9 PM before we could even push it out of our heads and just lay back and relax. It just goes to show how it only takes one instant for life to take a crazy change of course. We got lucky with this little encounter, but once again, one must consider it a lesson learned.

So we finally got to our wonderful night of kinky sex. I had been so ready for so many days, but things were not conducive to a long night. Finally, we got to it. I got her some great new clothing, including some new gloves and stockings, a garter belt, and a latex bra, just to name a few things. She looked stunning, and I realized that I am a happy puppy in the sex world right now. She is so willing to try new things, it amazes me. I know that she is still apprehensive about some parts of the whole bondage bit, but she is doing a good job of just sitting back and seeing what it's like. She is really getting into most of it. Some things are still a little weird for her, but some things seem almost too good for her to handle. It is a fun process to be involved in, watching her develope her taste for the kinky.

Dog Attack

Just when you thought it was safe to let your guard down, another obstacle is thrown your way.

I just got word that one of our dogs was in a dog fight. More like a dog mauling. Some lady came along with a stray pit bull, saying how he seemed friendly but she didn't know what to do with him. She said she would take him home for now. About 10 minutes later, the pitbull shows back up outside our house. Our little old man, an old cocker spaniel, was out in the yard. The pit bull saw our dog, and ran over to him. When he turned and went for the door, the pit bull attacked. Apparently it had our dog's head in its mouth for about a minute, all the while my girlfriend and neighbor were kicking it in the head trying to get it to let go. Finally he did, and an emergency vet trip ensued.

Now, I have definately seen a lot of pit bulls. I know the stories of how tough they are, and how they can bite through almost anything. I also know about the classic answer I get from pit bull owners "everyone is scared of him, but he wouldn't hurt a fly". Where do these angry dogs come from? Why in the hell are they loose? I guess those who are irresponsible enough to raise a dog that is viscious are also irresponsible enough to leave their gate open.

So now what? Do we push to have the dog put down? Do we trust that the owner won't let this happen again (apparently animal control has picked this dog up several times now). Shouldn't there be a way to mark this owner so that they cannot purchase more dogs? I don't know what a person does in this situation. I do know that if any stray pit bulls show their face in my yard anytime soon, they are going to be receiving a boot to the jaw. I love animals, but am also very protective of mine. If a dog comes to my yard and attacks one of my dogs, that dog will be marked for death by me. Sorry to all those irresponsible pit bull owners out there.

So, life continues, the saga never offers a dull moment. Will I get to fish tonight? Signs point to no, but we'll see. I need a breather from life. Get me into my boat please!

Break On Through

There comes a time in the life of every blogger, I'd imagine, when one asks "Is anybody reading this thing?" I mean, I am not even sure I love the thought of people rummiging through my rantings and judging who I am, But then again, why would I have posted an online log if I feared people reading it. I guess deep down we all want somebody to read what we put down here, to relate to it and think "whoa, that person would be really cool to meet." Am I off base here?

So today, after some delays that were quite welcome on my part, my lil' momma is heading out of town. I welcome the extra fishing time I will get, but I definately miss her while she is gone. But hey, it's only a week, right?

Listen to the Lorax folks, he speaks for the trees!

This random post brought to you by Skunk #1

Sounds of War

What would it sound like on the other side of the ocean? What is it like when there is a war going on in your back yard?

Ask your pets. Over the past couple of days, animals all across the nation have been scared senseless by explosives of every kind detonating in the streets of our neighborhoods. That's right, America was celebrating its independence once again, and we created the illusion of a little war within our country.

I don't mean to sounds cynical, I love explosives and fire, and would have it no other way. But all the same, it occurred to me last night, as I sat in the back yard and admired the onslaught of the senses taking place all around my abode. It sounded like a war. Random spurts of fire, the occasion thump followed by a loud crack up in the air. It is wild. A peacetime war, where few get hurt but many take part.

The dogs were displeased last night. Well, of the three in our house right now, one hated the show. One was not interested. The other was quite excited and wanted to grab on to one of those flashy things flying around. She tried to grab a sparkler, which could have been a quick buzzkill. Lucky for my lighting fast tequila reflexes, she never got to taste the fire end of the rocket.

The cats took it all right. They just stayed where they could not be seen, and didn't complain much. I can never tell just what the cats think. They're little perma-trippers, if you ask me. They just think "whoa.... man". That's it.

So it's now almost time to call it a day. Amazing how fast a day of work can go by when you are busy, eh? Would we rather work our asses off and have our lives fly by painlessly, or have long, slow days of work, that seem like every second is hours. The second option seems to me to be the experience of a much longer life. Do we want that experience, or would it be better if our lives just flew by? I hate those options. We should all quit and own a small farm, get by on the land. Life would be much less copmplicated. I, for one, would have less to manage.

The Bear Went Over the Mountain

After work, many people go home and lounge on the couch. Some people watch television, some listen to music. Many people go in search of social stimulation. What do I do after a long hard day in the office? Well, I love to fish. I love to float around on the water, and do nothing but watch the end of a fishing pole and drift far back into the reaches of my mind. Some people need to cross their legs, close their eyes and chant to really get deep into thought. Me, I fish. I don't know what it is, and I cannot explain other than to say that the little glimmer of hope that I could catch a big fish, combined with the peace of mind of being free from everything for a few hours takes me beyond just sorting through myself. It takes me to a headspace where I question the fabric of the universe. What do we really know? Why do we trust science so readily? One day science tells us that Newton's physics will answer our questions. Soon Einstein is introduced to the equation, and much of what we thought we knew is altered. How do we know that we are on the right track now? How do we know that we are not ignoring a better science? How do we know that we would recognize a better science if we came across it? Would we be able to adapt it, or are we too set in our old ways? Whoa...

Fishing is also a great way to get to know people. I have a little fishing boat, perfect for two people and about twelve beers. There are many types of people in this world. Here are some of them:

-the person who will drink some beer
-the person who will not drink beer
-the person that drinks more than half the beer
-the person who brings whiskey too

-the person who cleans their hook off, and drops the weeds in the bottom of your boat
-the person who drops the fish into the bottom of the boat before taking the hook out (we're talking fish that are to be released)

-the person who is afraid of fish
-the person who is afraid of water
-the person who is afraid of their Captain!

-the person who talks about girls
-the person who talks about women
-the person who talks so much you don't follow him
-the person who talks about fire
-the person who lies about fish they've caught
-the person who never says a word

-the person who hooks your tackle box
-the person who hooks the motor
-the person who hooks your lifejackets
-the person who hooks you
-this person is usually the same person by this point in time

So what does all this say about a person? So what, the question is, did they catch anything, right? WRONG! Fishing is a social artform. Fisherman know a language that few others know. When it is appropriate to talk. When to listen. When to be honest. When to be loud. When to whisper. When to use body gestures.

What does it mean? We may never know, but I have a sneaking suspision that those who know how to fish, and I mean that in the deepest sense of the phrase, must be better because of it. It makes sense, doesn't it?

Tight lines all...

Back again, with a Vengeance

Wow, what a weekend. I once again indulged in the fun and games present at a large outdoor concert venue. Two straight days of music, including YMSB (see the link on my site). These guys are great. The music was wonderful, and it all makes me feel the need to ramble. I need to get out more! The shitty part of the adventure came at the security gate. I bought a very beautiful new pipe, colorful glass with a frog on it. I stashed it in a rolled up raincoat along with all my boomers and my bud. Well, of course, that day they searched the shit out of me. They found it all. It all went in the trash can. Man, almost $50 of weed and a pipe that had not even been smoked yet. To the trash. I was sad, but I got my shit together and had a good time anyway. You can't let the man get you down. Those bastards.

The fourth was nice. I went and bought a new pipe, smoked it lots, and drank a bunch of Margaritas while lighting some fireworks. It was fun, until this morning when I was puking those margaritas back out, scorching my throat and really making myself feel good for a long day in the office. Enough about that, it's back to pondering life, and the complexities I deal with each day. Oh boy!

So, my big night did not go as planned. Shit. I was really looking forward to a long night of restraining my beautiful girlfriend, making tons of sweet love, and then making our weekend from there. Instead, I took her out for a wonderful dinner, and by the time we got home, she was tired and only had a little vanilla sex in her. It was good, but not what I needed to satisfy the spicy desires. Blue balls again for me. To make it worse, we were out of town all weekend, and now she is leaving tomorrow for a 9 day trip out of town. Man, I may have to do some kidnapping tonight. I need handcuffs, I need latex stockings, I need a big ballgag and a blindfold! Is this too much to ask? I think not. So where am I now? I am on the other side of this weekend, and noticing that sometimes, you should not count your chickens before they hatch, or should I say count your hours of sex before you have your woman tied to the bed. I got my hopes up, and got a big let down. It will be that much better later, right?

Enough about this, it is depressing. I will write when I have something better to say. For now, be happy all. Peace!

Omni-bored

What is it about work that makes the day take so long? Busy days are nice, as they tend to fly by. A slow Friday, however, just drizzles by, one millisecond ay a time. Especially this day, as tonight is going to be special...

Ok, time for a heart to heart with the old online journal. When I was a young boy, back in that wonderful era of "hot colored" clothing and whacky hair we call the 80's, I was watching one of the Star Wars movies. I don't remember which of the three it was, but this night it was so much different. There is that one scene where princess Leia (sp?) is wearing nothing but a tiny metal bikini and she is on the end of a collar and leash held by a rather repulsive Jabba the Hut. Whoa, for some reason I liked to see this princess restrained as such. What was wrong with me? Oh my god, I am going to be a rapist...

Whoa there, don't get ahead of yourself young one. What is going on here? My hormones had begun kicking in, and I learned something about myself that shaped the way I view life quite profoundly. I realized I was kinky. Today, it is a miracle I can even say it so casually. At the time, I felt devastated. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I really liked the sound of tying a woman up, gagging her, and teasing her in sexual ways. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted to retrain them. Even now I can hear, as I say that statement, how weird it can sound to somebody. I was coming from a very small settlement in the mountains. Where I grew up, the men were men, and so were the woman. The sheep ran scared, and they painted red X's on the ones that kicked (safe sex). So seriously. You could count the girls in my class on both hands, and they all disliked me immensely. Why? I was a friendly but dorky, tall and skinny, sweatpants wearing, unrelenting boy. I just wanted to do my thing, to be left alone by those who didn't like what I did. It was not cool to be like this at my school, however, and I was subject to contant taunting by those little brats. Damn, that is such a mean age, kids will say anything just to hurt each other.

So now, if it wasn't enough I was an outcast already, I had the prospect of coping with the fact I was kinky. What girl in their right mind would let me tie them up before sex? I had to be mentally ill.

Fast forward to high school. I go to a new school, this school has so many people I am blown away (100 kids in my class, woo!). My social life outside the bubble of the mountain village has just begun. How do I fare? Well, let's just say that a 15 year old who has never even spoken to a friendly girl his age outside of his family, well, he has issues. My shyness was perceived as prudeness, and once again, I could not find myself in favor of the other sex. My hormones cranking in full gear now, I am torn in half. I want a girlfriend so bad, though maybe just for the sex, and yet the girls don't like me, I avoid them, and I know that if they ever knew my dirty secret I would be considered such a freak I would never be able to show my face in town again. So far, striking out.

At last, my senior year of high school. I had just gotten out of a relationship that was as non-intimate as one can be (we shared some kisses on the cheeks, oh yeah, and hugs). I had also discovered the internet, as was well aware that what I liked was usually refered to as BDSM or Bondage, and that it seemed only perverts liked this stuff. From every direction came the idea that only sexually abused people liked Bondage, but I was never abused in any way. I lived with a wonderful family, had a life full of happiness, and did not have any real problems insofar as mistreatment or neglect. I mean, I had my own problems, which were a mountain on my back, but I was not starving or being raped. Was a crazy?

Two girls passed through my life at this time. One of them, I had been hanging around with as a friend for a year or so. She was very fun to be around, and I found her very attractive. The only problem was, she was rather premiscuous. I have no problem with this, except that it is a turn off to me. I wanted a girl who did not casually share herself with so many folks. Thus, I never tried to start anything with my friend, but I certainly fantasized about tying her to the bed and making sweet love to her. Then one day, it happened. Very casually, in a group conversation, somebody mentions it. "Hey H(my friend), are you still into that bondage stuff?" Wholly shit, I almost fell over! She likes what I like! I thought this was something only sick men were into, not innocent girls! Well, I never asked her about it, though her interest was reaffirmed on several occasions in casual comments.

I went back to my little school, the one I started out in, for my senior year. Along came another girl. B was definately the most sexually mature girl in our class, and by this point I could actually talk to girls and not seem like the nervous dork wad of my past. In a conversation one day she mentions an experience with handcuffs and whipped cream, and next thing I know it is two in the morning and I am on the phone coming clean with her. Wholly shit. We maintained a good friendship for another 2 months after that, and then parted ways. It was time for me to go to college.

College: a blur of drunken, stoned, dimly lit party nights, followed by long mornings of writing hung over papers due that afternoon. That's right, I never caved in to the "gotta work 4 hours outside of class for every hour in" bit. I did homework when I wanted to, and usually did it under the influence of something. And I got A's and B's.

Sex life in college: none. Well, almost none. I find myself in my fourth year of college, and I meet this girl that is very friendly. I remember that the day after I met her she saw me in the library and ran up to give me a hug from behind, something I really love. At the time, I really didn't think anything of it. Well, give that one about 6 months and suddenly I find myself naked, in bed, with a girl, first time ever. What happens? I can't get it up. I was so nervous that I just couldn't. What did she do? She gave me a chance the next night, and we went at it like champions until the sun rose. Whoa, my sex life started like champaigne, with a bang!

So now what. I have to tell her, right? By this time in my life, I had learned that there were normal people out there who enjoyed kinky sex, but in my mind they only existed in New York and L.A. Not in Colorado, for sure. Don't you go thinking that I got up the balls and just came clean. No way, I was so scared that if she found out, she would disappear for good, and that would damage me infinately as it would only reinforce my feelings of how I was different. I needed a miracle. I got one.

I was fortunate enough to get to take a trip to Amsterdam, the real Sin City. We are not talking Vegas BS here, we are talking boomers, kind bud, and sex shops everywhere. So I get this idea. I will casually mention to my girl that I may pick her up a set of handcuffs as a gag gift, maybe we can use them if she ever gets naughty, that sort of thing. I took 4 hours planning out the perfect email, rereading it too many times, and finally I sent it, knowing that at least if she reacted badly, I had infinite stoney weed at my disposal. She writes back: that sounds fun. Or something along those lines, I don't even know, because that day such a weight was taken off my shoulders that I only remember a foggy cloud of acceptance. Oh god, it was all too much. I spilled the beans, as much as was reasonable anyway, and told her a lot about what I liked. She said she loved me, wanted me to be happy, and was down for trying anything. I came home with some leather cuffs, she surprised me with new lingerie, and yet again, we had a night that was hot until the sun rose. Since then, we have steadily been improving our communications about both of our sexual interests, and things keep getting better. Bringing me back to tonight,

The work day is long because tonight tonight we are having another evening of spicey, wonderful bondage fun. I just got a bunch of new toys off the net, some being my favorites, some being things just for her. We are gonna get the chance to use them tonight, too, after I take her out for a beautiful evening on the town. We can have some drinks, be merry, and afterwords, while she dresses in more "comfortable" attire, I will set the house aglow with candles and we'll wait for the sun to bless us with another beautiful, glowing morning-after.

Yes, my friends, tonight I am once again realizing I am on the other side. I am finally on the other side of an issue that has made me feel uncomfortable and different from the time I was a boy. I can finally look at myself, my interests, my sexuality, and claim them as my own, and say that I am happy in what I do in the bedroom, so fuck anyone who would think differently of me if they knew, and especially fuck those people who go around saying it's an illness. I am normal. I am a manager. I am a nice fucking guy, so deal with it or go back to your hole.

That's my ramblings for now. This is fun, isn't it?

The Other Side

Day one of my blog. I often look at people's first posting just to see what was going through their mind as they lay their first words down for the entire world to view at its leisure. What does one say to the whole world? It should certainly be catchy enough that somebody would want to read it. I feel I should say something important, so as not to waste the whole world's time. So where do I begin?

Well world, this is my blog, so if you don't like what you are reading, piss off! I am writing whatever I want. Now I feel a little less pressure.

Have you ever been on a really long journey, and even though you know it will come to an end, it doesn't really feel like you will ever finish? This happens to me all the time. I have now driven across the country 2 times, round trip. My girlfriend and I would drive straight through, one way. About 4 hours into a 36 hour drive, you certainly encounter the phenomenon I am talking about.

I'll give you another good example: school. This is what brought this topic to mind. Actually, it is the fact that I just got pooped out the backside of America's big, fat, ugly, and crippled education system. I jumped through every one of those hoops, every one! And my diploma from a four year university showed up in the mail just yesterday. It's official ladies and gentlemen, the guy is done with the bullshit. I am in no way against education. Education is the most valuable thing we have at our disposal, so far as I am concerned. What's the use of these big complex human brains we all have if we don't ever use them? I like to continue to try and expand mine, but that's another issue all together.

In looking back on my school experience, I can only shake my head in wonder. What was that? What happened? Certainly, I learned a lot along the way. I leanred information from textbooks, I learned about people, friends and enemies, love and hate. I learned that some have authority, it is usually not me, and I usually don't like just anybody being able to tell me what to do. Most importantly, however, I learned that if you put your mind to it you can get through even the most difficult task, and come out safe, though sometimes bewildered, on the other side.

So here I am, on the other side. about three days out of graduation, a job opportunity appeared out of the blue, and just fell right down into the lap of this directionless wanderer. Suddenly, I find myself a manager. The four year degree has kicked in, done its job, right? I don't really know what to think of the whole situation. I like the job well enough, it's just that I feel like I have been swept up into the system. This is a place that was always very foreign to me, from the outside looking in I never saw just how a person got this kind of job. What exactly does a manager do, I always wondered. Now I know these things. I am about 5 weeks new to the job, and still feel like they must have made a mistake. I am just a 23 year old kid. Who would hire me to manage anything? I guess it was that philosophy degree...

That's right. I studied philosophy. And to answer that question that any philosophy major dreads, the often repeated yet never answered to anyone's satisfaction "What do you do with a philosophy degree?" I'll tell you what I will do with it. I will be a manager. Then I will manage things by day, and I'll fish and drink beer at night. I'll smoke marijuana, one of the safest yet most illegal substances known to man. I will play an instrument and relish the feeling that music brings to the soul. I will finally be able to afford to take my girlfriend out to dinner every once in a while. I will keep on trucking along and not look back, for we get to live life just once and I jumped onto this train to get the best possible ride. I don't want a window seat. I want to steer this badboy. So look out world, I am on the loose. What am I going to do with a philosophy degree? Complete world domination? Maybe, but for now I am just setting up a blog. Wow, this is kind of fun!